I was birthed in a rush,
i must hurry,
rise i must
to the surface to burst.
U see when the bottle tips beer into this vessel the race has begun.
We all shoot for a breather,a s we froth together,
in much haste we brim over
I was born a bubble,hav e a natural fear of colliding with others thus I dodge trouble mummy says i am an escapist, whatever that means. I escape thats what I do
2.
We are all candidates of the Pour for its the tipping point
when the open bottle neck is at a lower altitude to the base.
We come in a rush the golden gush.
The bubble republic at its full glory! Everyone in a fizzy state.
We defy the downer you call
gravity as we start our surface race.
It hard to say what I love the most;the cheer of spectators on the bystands-perched on the inner walls of the glass vessel or the adrenal push of tiny bubbles shootin upwardsto surface break.
Our frenzy reaches a climax when webreak the threshold!
Berth the surface,popping in air!
Mother must have told me a hundred things saying I am an escapist and being born for this is most definately true.
Apr 28, 2012
poetry in a bottle
About This Poem
Last Few Words: compare both 1 and 2. Which says it best from the title?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
a very intriguing write
different to what i am used to...
hard to crit...
as for comparing the two writes - hard to do - they both have pros and cons
i personaly would like to see the two writes joined and more imagery used..
eg
I was birthed in a rush, a candidate for the pour
a part of the bubble republic.
When the open neck is lowered
we come in a rush - the golden gush
at its full glory! Everyone in a fizzy state....
just my thoughts
i like the concept
just think you need more imagery
hope this helps
love judy
I love this and, as Judy said, it's hard to crit.
I'm not even going to compare these two different poems, I think you are playing a trick on us.
You are clearly a natural, talented poet.
Try avoiding those lines where you run long. Why? For the sake of your reader.
I am going to spend the next week reading and commenting on your poetry, you haven't received the feedback you deserve, but have patience, please. It is not easy.
I do have to say,
watch the typos.
And U for you and similar txt abbreviations are just wrong, except in specific circumstances, like your 'Cyber repentance'
yay the great Jess
ama have q beer oops I don't drink. thanks. I think it's because all or most of my work is done on my phone nor a desktop.am using what I have but I will watch out for typos and grammar.those are where I am worst. thank you again