temidayo
temidayo
Apr 28, 2012

poetry in a bottle

I was birthed in a rush,
i must hurry,
rise i must
to the surface to burst.
U see when the bottle tips beer into this vessel the race has begun.
We all shoot for a breather,a s we froth together,
in much haste we brim over
I was born a bubble,hav e a natural fear of colliding with others thus I dodge trouble mummy says i am an escapist, whatever that means. I escape thats what I do
2.
We are all candidates of the Pour for its the tipping point
when the open bottle neck is at a lower altitude to the base.
We come in a rush the golden gush.
The bubble republic at its full glory! Everyone in a fizzy state.
We defy the downer you call
gravity as we start our surface race.
It hard to say what I love the most;the cheer of spectators on the bystands-perched on the inner walls of the glass vessel or the adrenal push of tiny bubbles shootin upwardsto surface break.
Our frenzy reaches a climax when webreak the threshold!
Berth the surface,popping in air!
Mother must have told me a hundred things saying I am an escapist and being born for this is most definately true.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: compare both 1 and 2. Which says it best from the title?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

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Comments

judyanne

different to what i am used to...
hard to crit...

as for comparing the two writes - hard to do - they both have pros and cons

i personaly would like to see the two writes joined and more imagery used..

eg
I was birthed in a rush, a candidate for the pour
a part of the bubble republic.
When the open neck is lowered
we come in a rush - the golden gush
at its full glory! Everyone in a fizzy state....

just my thoughts
i like the concept
just think you need more imagery

hope this helps
love judy

weirdelf

I'm not even going to compare these two different poems, I think you are playing a trick on us.

You are clearly a natural, talented poet.

Try avoiding those lines where you run long. Why? For the sake of your reader.

I am going to spend the next week reading and commenting on your poetry, you haven't received the feedback you deserve, but have patience, please. It is not easy.

weirdelf

watch the typos.
And U for you and similar txt abbreviations are just wrong, except in specific circumstances, like your 'Cyber repentance'

temidayo

ama have q beer oops I don't drink. thanks. I think it's because all or most of my work is done on my phone nor a desktop.am using what I have but I will watch out for typos and grammar.those are where I am worst. thank you again