Stair-step stacks
of hardbacks, paperbacks
and journals silhouette
against cloudy gray light
seeping from outside.
Numerous mentors
say read poems,
journals, and novels
learn to form beautiful poetry.
He labors through
anthologies of sonnets,
sestinas and free verse.
Collins, Levine, Kooser,
Nash and Oliver call him to lessons.
He is not a schoolboy.
He has a hissing heart,
writing is entrancing,
pulling forth a storehouse
of secreted pains, passions, and fears.
A worn keyboard his confessional;
paper his priest.
He works away
unaware that revamping,
lies before him
begging that he open the covers,
turn each page
and become reborn.
Comments
You are
much to kind with your comments. Cheers to you dear. I think your MoJo is lurking and will return soon. You got a number of good suggestions on your poem. As I said, sometime the best thing to do is leave it alone for a week. Take it out and see how it hit you in that new light.
Oh, this has captured it all,
Oh, this has captured it all, in my opinion. If you or others have any options to change anything,
I could not imagine improving it.
There's so much here, Stefan, I don't know which way to turn.
A boy with a hissing heart. Title envy. I must say the last paragraph is to die for.
~A
Oh my,
Your words are so kind. Thank you. By the way I am not Stefan but Bill. Do you have me confused with someone else? I always appreciate and respect your response.
I may have confused you with
I may have confused you with another, however I am not confused with this poem.
Every word is spot on.
~A
Not sure
Are you suggesting these be revised in some way? Thanks for the comment. I had thought of dropping “ a washing of soul” completely perhaps that is best.
Duh,
I got it and agree. Guess I was a little dense yesterday.
Only change,
Only change I would make is, remove the first to, from line 9 and have.
Learn to form beautiful poetry.
Changed or not' this is a tremendous poem. Regards Roscoe..
Interesting
and thanks. I made the change and agree the other “to” is not needed.
brilliant title
and bloody well written
but poems about poets writing poetry are inevitably self indulgent
I guess all poets are egotistical
at least I am.
Self indulgent...
or not, it's still [is that one of the no, no, words?] "Brilliant".~ Gee
writing abot writing can be self indulgent
be careful
Shit, it's all mutual
Shit, it's all mutual masturbation on one level, Jess. Writing it is about the poet, even if the object is about _________________..
Think about relationships with whomever, when was it really about *them*?
Would we give up our addiction to our words if we could change the world or our relationships?
I've come to realize that we are *used* by the universe to cleanse itself. It's an orgy and we're all involved.
Which is what the poem was about.
~A
Mutual masturbation
no wonder I feel this excitement. Life is an orgy...... I love that line.
Beware!
Neopoet used to be the very best poetry site on the web, but a bunch of mutual masturbators have lowered the standards of poetry here considerably
Well, yes, Jess.... there is
Well, yes, Jess.... there is mutual masturbation and then there is mutual masturbation. One is complicit in denial the other is complicit in mutuality. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.
;-)
~A
Seldom I disagree with you completely, Anna
but mutual masturbation in a poetry site is just a bad thing. Lowers the quality of poetry, the standrd of critique and generlly un-fucks things up.
Elfie....think.... Suppose I
Elfie....think.... Suppose I and others give you a good critique and you change your poem, now it is infinitely better....and you send it in for publication after a few more minor adjustments... It's accepted!
Who's being served? Both.... Hence it's a mutual masturbation.... we all want to feel *good*, eh?
~A
So, I am going to buck the trend of commentary.
General:
The structure feels stilted and artificial. There appear to be dramatic pauses for no good reason
Content:
Stanza Two: This includes two uses of the word "poetry" in close proximity to a stumbling effect. It also makes me work hared to discover a meaning that it would appear you did to instill one
Stanza Three: The last line of the third stanza makes me cringe as I consider every "it's from the heart" defense of poetry.
Stanza Four: I feel I am being lectured at so I stopped paying attention.
I understand where you are going with this. You want to give an insight into the history of creating poetry and allude to it as a calling to which great people have been summoned just as you feel you are being summoned. I admit, this message is lost on me so perhaps it is just that i am not your target audience and therefor my comments are not germane to the points at hand.
But, unasked, I will give you some suggestions in the form or a restructuring of and modifications to your poem:
------------------------------------------------------
Stair-step stacks of hardbacks,
paperbacks and journals silhouette
against cloudy gray light seeping from outside.
Phantom mentors implore
"consume poems, journals, and novels
and spin your stunning wordscapes"
A boy labors through anthologies of sonnets,
sestinas, and free verse,
like saffron on leaves of grass.
Collins and Levine,
Kooser,Nash and Oliver,
they call him to lessons though he is not a schoolboy.
He has a hissing heart and writing is entrancing,
spilling forth a storehouse of
loves and thoughts and experience
long salted with indifference.
His pen is a confessional
and paper is his priest
as he builds his dreams in words
unaware of the alterations
that will cast his days in torment
before he can turn each page
and become reborn.
------------------------------------------------------
My goal here was not to rewrite your poem. Rather it was to give you some ideas that you may or may not like and spur your to take a deeper look at how your poem reads to people not involved in the process of creating it.
As i said, however, I am the lone voice of dissent and it may be that I am just full of shit. But you asked for raw truth, so I gave it. You, as the poet, have to determine what is worthwhile critique and what is a waste of your time.
Thanks man
This is what I am looking for here, more than just a "gee that is nice." Will read and digest your suggestions. I am following you, hope that is okay