A Boy with a Hissing Heart

Oh, this has captured it all, in my opinion. If you or others have any options to change anything,
I could not imagine improving it.

There's so much here, Stefan, I don't know which way to turn.

A boy with a hissing heart. Title envy. I must say the last paragraph is to die for.

~A

Only change I would make is, remove the first to, from line 9 and have.
Learn to form beautiful poetry.
Changed or not' this is a tremendous poem. Regards Roscoe..

and bloody well written
but poems about poets writing poetry are inevitably self indulgent

or not, it's still [is that one of the no, no, words?] "Brilliant".~ Gee

be careful

Shit, it's all mutual masturbation on one level, Jess. Writing it is about the poet, even if the object is about _________________..

Think about relationships with whomever, when was it really about *them*?

Would we give up our addiction to our words if we could change the world or our relationships?
I've come to realize that we are *used* by the universe to cleanse itself. It's an orgy and we're all involved.

Which is what the poem was about.

~A

Neopoet used to be the very best poetry site on the web, but a bunch of mutual masturbators have lowered the standards of poetry here considerably

Elfie....think.... Suppose I and others give you a good critique and you change your poem, now it is infinitely better....and you send it in for publication after a few more minor adjustments... It's accepted!

Who's being served? Both.... Hence it's a mutual masturbation.... we all want to feel *good*, eh?

~A

General:

The structure feels stilted and artificial. There appear to be dramatic pauses for no good reason

Content:

Stanza Two: This includes two uses of the word "poetry" in close proximity to a stumbling effect. It also makes me work hared to discover a meaning that it would appear you did to instill one

Stanza Three: The last line of the third stanza makes me cringe as I consider every "it's from the heart" defense of poetry.

Stanza Four: I feel I am being lectured at so I stopped paying attention.

I understand where you are going with this. You want to give an insight into the history of creating poetry and allude to it as a calling to which great people have been summoned just as you feel you are being summoned. I admit, this message is lost on me so perhaps it is just that i am not your target audience and therefor my comments are not germane to the points at hand.

But, unasked, I will give you some suggestions in the form or a restructuring of and modifications to your poem:

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Stair-step stacks of hardbacks,
paperbacks and journals silhouette
against cloudy gray light seeping from outside.

Phantom mentors implore
"consume poems, journals, and novels
and spin your stunning wordscapes"

A boy labors through anthologies of sonnets,
sestinas, and free verse,
like saffron on leaves of grass.

Collins and Levine,
Kooser,Nash and Oliver,
they call him to lessons though he is not a schoolboy.
He has a hissing heart and writing is entrancing,
spilling forth a storehouse of
loves and thoughts and experience
long salted with indifference.

His pen is a confessional
and paper is his priest
as he builds his dreams in words
unaware of the alterations
that will cast his days in torment
before he can turn each page
and become reborn.

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My goal here was not to rewrite your poem. Rather it was to give you some ideas that you may or may not like and spur your to take a deeper look at how your poem reads to people not involved in the process of creating it.

As i said, however, I am the lone voice of dissent and it may be that I am just full of shit. But you asked for raw truth, so I gave it. You, as the poet, have to determine what is worthwhile critique and what is a waste of your time.