raj

Feb 06, 2014

Open Up

Open up and bloom,
Let your fragrance awaken
spring from autumn gloom.

Open up, don't droop
the winter chill has made way
for silken sunshine.

Open up your womb
to let a butterfly seek
your lovely pollen.

Open up and swing
till autumn trickles the leaves
to protect your seed.

Seasons come and go
yet soil will keep your fragrance
through eternities.

Open up and blush
charm the world with your beauty
within and without.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

Awesome raj

I love it all with that repetitive "open up."
I've noticed you've followed the 5-7-5 haiku, while only S2 L1 goes off
"open up, not languish"...6 syllables
I suggest
Open up, don't fade ....(I pronounce "don't" as one syllable)
so this makes it again a 5-7-5 stanza again.
Thumps up. This is really a lovely writing and theme. I thought the last two stanzas really great!

Thank you Rula

Appreciate your visit and pointing the blemish in S2L1. I will go correct it in a jiffy. You are spot on, i have attempted the sequence of 5-7-5 and since I have read in a comment that though Haiku and Senryu follow the same sequence, Haiku necessarily is connected with nature, I have experimented to keep the theme connected with nature, though in abstract it is an appeal to release bottled up feelings and emotions. I would like to know if I have achieved that...

The repetition of "Open Up" is deliberate to bring in an element of persuasion.

Your appreciative comments are like tonic for my attempts to continually improvise...

Regards,

Raj

Honestly I read it differently. But I very much like you subtle subtext. Re read it, I could enjoy it even better, and it's perfume goes sweeter.

Congrats, Raj

This is a wonderful poem which I could use as a reference. Learn something new again.. 5-7-5 haiku. Thank you, Rula for pointing it out.

Alid

Thanks Alid for your visit

Thanks Alid for your visit and appreciative comment.

As you must have noticed, it is always a great help here when fellow members like Rula & Ian have done here take time to read, point out the blemishes and offer alternatives

regards.

raj

Loved the great go at keeping the 5-7-5 throughout your write, it is very hard to do this.
It's picky picky here:-

Open up your anthers = 6
Open = 2 Anthers = 2
Open your anthers = 5

Just a minor thing, Take care talk tomorrow,
Yours Ian.T

Ian

Thanks for stopping by and pointing out the blemishes. I was not aware that chills is 2. I will go and do the edits suggested by you.

You too take care, your comments are always welcome.

But

Anthers is a two syllabic word...An/ thers
But chills is a one syllabic word ...each "vowel sound" makes one syllable

Rula

I think that the syllable counter takes Chills as "Chill is", so it gives it two syllables.
I will stick with your one, for this word and have edited my comment to go with this.
Thanks for your work here, Yours Ian.T

I thought

if you like to keep the flow of "Open up" why don't you simply use "buds" instead of "anthers"
This way you'll keep the flow and won't affect the meaning.

Ian & Rula

I have noted your comments and suggestions about syllable count about "Chill" "Anther" and will recheck on those and edit. In fact I checked out just now and find that I have already edited the lines having those two words in a manner that the syllable count is maintained at 5-7-5. If you notice any more blemishes, please do comment on the same, which are always welcome

Thanks a lot for your visiting again and leaving these suggestions. Very much appreciated.

Regards.

raj

I still prefer

to keep the flow of the "open up", but it's up to you of course.

Rula

I couldn't have agreed with you more about keeping "open up" through and through but the problem is that generally "anther" as a singular is generally not used...let me scratch my head on how I can maintain the 5 syllable count in that line..

Thanks for taking the time to return here and leaving a comment which is always appreciated..

Regards,

I thought

"Buds" would keep the meaning and solve your problem, but you know better, I'm sure.

but buds would not connect

but buds would not connect with the "pollen" in line 3 of that verse..

Hi Rula

I found a way to have "Open up" in S3L1 as you have been suggesting...does it now get your nod?

Regards,

I very much enjoyed this Raj,

I very much enjoyed this Raj, really brought sunshine
to my dull grey day, and colours too,
even conjured up Spring for me.
An unusual way of putting it too.

Very nice.
Don't quite understand the grammar of the last two lines though?

Love Ann.

So nice of you Ann to find

So nice of you Ann to find time to visit this and leave an encouraging comment,,,it is truly appreciated because i have a high regard for your knowledge and skills in matters related to poetry...

ever since i read your blog a few weeks ago..i fully agree that tee poems i write as an amateur are thoughts..ideas...which are already somewhere..i just pluck them and try to put them in words. in the best possible way i can...as an amateur trying to pick up skills...even though English is not my mother tongue which at times is a limiting factor...

as for your your comment about the last line.."than bottled within" i have tried to express that set your fragrance (emotions/feelings) free (open up) than choke them up..i do agree that it would have read better as "than bottled up within" but then i did not use "up" to keep the syllable count to 5 in that line....your thoughts on that please?

Please feel free to critique whenever you find time to read through my attempts...which would be most welcome..

Love and warm regards,

you help all to open up

so have you helped me too
as I slept all these days through
none knew
your poetry is just beautiful

Hi Loved

Thanks for the read and your appreciative comments. I keep trying to improvise.

Regards

hope you will

Help me improve too
in life
learning is a never ending process
we all learn from others mistakes
as life is too short
to make all mistakes
others have already made
to be convinced
such errors
can be committed
by them
as we alone
have now experienced
this poetry
is a kind of
modern edition

Hi again Loved

I appreciate what you have said about continual learning process and agree with it completely..Thanks again for your encouraging remarks..

Regards,

Dearest Raj

I really loved this but I have to say the very last line it doesn't work for me, I cant get that thread to connect it to the previous lines, I wont go into the syllable count LOL I don't have time tonight I am time poor, I wish I had more time but I am so busy with life that I cant scratch myself lol

nicely done my friend

love and hugs JC xxx

Knowledge is a gift, health is wealth...

Thanks Jayne and Alid

Appreciate your taking time and your appreciative comment. Good to know the change in the cncluding Haiku worked ..