Seren
Seren
Jan 30, 2014

Silk

A veil of sadness
was pierced,
the fabric of sorrow
ripped.

In moments
a rippling silence
eschewed.

I was liberated
from a shroud
that bound my grief,
I am now a silken thread
fixed to spin,

in silent whorls.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda

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More from this author

Comments

Ian.T

Ian.T

11 years 2 months ago

A good write as an expression,
That you have broken free,
of a place or fabric not suited to you.
It is the last few lines that show us your beauty.
Yours are the thoughts that support you on that strand.
Reminds me of a ballerina twirling free.
Enjoying the rhythm of life, it will take a little more time.
The thread that holds you cannot break.
Anyway good morning and have a lovely day down there.
We are thinking of you, and there going toward the rising sun
Are the tracks of small feet disturbing the dew.
So that I would know it was you,
Yours Ian.T

Seren

Smile, a little light in the dark lit with silk, the smallest thing can bring me inspiration doesn't always come out ok but I write and edit and try and improve these scribbles.

I went walking by the river the other evening it was a spectacular night I am writing a poem at the moment inspired by it, I have been wandering a lot at night its cooler you don't cook, its been so hot here I thought I was going to melt in town today

thanks for the read I am glad you enjoyed it, I will be leaving some footprints on the lawn tonight I cant sleep again ;)

love always JC xxx

Race_9togo

I like this one a lot. Short, sharp, and sweet with a rising up from the ashes of grief and despair.
Only crit is the use of the word "linen"; somehow it doesn't fit. Assuming that you were thinking of a shorud, why not use "the shroud" instead? Same syllables, it stays in character, it would imply inevitability and fatalism that is overcome, in the context of the stanza, and it would rhyme just a touch, with the word "thread".

Seren

I have a few alternatives to linen, see what you think - garment, cloth ??

I am very happy you liked it, it was a small poem that I wasn't sure about posting but then I did a little work on it and it seemed to have possibilities I am going to change it to shroud it does work better with more thought on it

thanks for the visit and your thoughts

much love JC xxx

R

raj

11 years 2 months ago

I tend to agree with Jim about "linen". Being in a rough draft stage I am sure you would be tweaking it up a bit which would be nice to see on the re-visit. When you do the edit, please see if whirls is a better fit than whorls. Just a thought...I will surely come back...

much love..

Seren

I really like Jims suggestion of shroud for the linen line, when I am finished here I am going to change it, I didn't like linen but I wasn't sure of what else to put there, I thought of whirls and I thought for a change of flow I would add whorls instead whirls is used so often in poetry I find anyway, I with give it further thought though

thanks for the visit and your thoughts they are always appreciated

love and hugs JC xxx

Rula

Rula

11 years 2 months ago

A lovely way to express how you've found your way away from your sorrows. However, I can't see how the second stanza is related. I see no one has mentioned it, so it is probably only me or a bit of playing with punctuation or/ and the lination would help to convey something I can't see.

Also I would change the title to indicate the uplifting change or simply add word(s) to "silk" but again it is all up to you.
Enjoyable as always.
Thanks for sharing.

Seren

Glad you liked it, If you read the closing line it says in silent whorls, the silence has fallen in the second stanza and at the end of the poem that same silence is carried on, that's the best way I can describe it to you.

I am actually happy with the title for the time being I will give it some thought when I do my next edit

thanks for your thoughts and your time its always appreciated

Regards JC

Race_9togo

Just stopped by to read again.

I must say, I like the last line very much. "Whorls" is very tactile, to me, the feeling of fingertips soft and silent grazing silk.

Give this a very emotional ending, for me.

Seren

Glad you dropped in my friend, I love the word whorls I don't understand why its not used more often whirls is used so much I thought in this instance whorls would give it a more delicate touch

I am glad you liked the ending I was still mulling it over some

thanks for the visit hun

much love always JC xxx

Roscoe Lane

Excellent poem, and i love the word, whorls. Love Roscoe..

Ian.T

Whorls is used in finger prints I believe, they are those loops and things that are a part of the lines on your fingers ,
Cant stop talk tomorrow, Yours Ian.T

PS:- Love the beautiful young lady in the new picture, have a lovely day and know we are there.

PPS:-
Whorl (botany), used to describe the attachment of sepals, petals, leaves, or branches at a single point
Whorl (biology), used to describe the structures of organs and used in the aid of identification
Whorl (fingerprint), a type of fingerprint pattern
Whorl (mollusc), a single, complete 360° turn in the spiral growth of a mollusc shell
Body whorl, in a mollusc shell the most recently formed whorl of a spiral shell, terminating in the aperture
Hair whorl, a whorl in the hair of an animal
Hair whorl (horse), hair whorls in horses
Spindle whorl, a weight attached to a spindle

Seren

I didn't know some of that, some of it I knew, a little anyway lol

love always JC xxx