Rula

Jan 14, 2014

This poem is part of the workshop:

The Complete Poem- Start to Finish

(Read More...)

A Sad Land (The Complete Poem WS)

It's been quite long since pains eclipsed my joys
and let the mournings cloak my days and nights,
my dreams became nightmares of girls and boys
whose sinless childhood fed the endless plights.

Now trees are shedding tears-no leaves to shed,
no birds to sing, or whispering wind to hear
and sadness lives and veils the wild instead
as rainbows fade where clouds there hide in fear.

The cries upsoar, while laughter is a waif.
The hand of fury firmly rules with pride
while justice, scared, no place on Earth is safe.
Will promise bloom again?! Will evil hide?!

When even words burn out to ash, they'd tell,
how sadly many lands indwelt the hell.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: when I started writing this, I was thinking of what's happening in Syria these days, but decided to keep it universal as there are many Syrias around the world these days.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Rula

If it is safe to do so then the actual war can be written of and I think it would give another perspective of what is happening out there, from someone that is close to it.
Your write seems restricted and loses its power, even a sonnet can cut like a sword.
I have written a couple on wars out there, but maybe the edge is missing from mine also:-

Terror of War

I cried I screamed
I could not think, or dream of normal things
That you out there, hold not so dear
Faces crawling with scum, then holes

Holes in bodies, it had just begun
A redness flows through matted hair
It grabs at the dust that is gathered there
It’s dragging the dust of my friend this way

A crazy paving of red streaked clay
My friend, my friend, you cannot wait
A flickering smile, that’s flaunting your state
Your peaceful look that holds no hate.

You are slipping away from me
Maybe you know what lies beyond
For you at the end of this day
I have only to wait, sit, and pray

That your smile is no lie
That I could if only I…..

Rula, all these things, and the suffering of children etc: is too horrific to even try to understand, I am so sorry that Syria is in such a mess, Yours Ian.T

Ian.T

Thanks Ian

I understand that you don't like the strict form as it limits my vocabulary choices and lessen the power of the word.
It might also be due to me being inactive for a while especially in such structured form as a sonnet. However, I always consider writting sonnets a challangin attempt I'd like and need to improve and that's why I chose it for this workshop.
Hope others here will help me to improve and grow with this form.

Rula

There was no problem with the layout of the sonnet, it as usual was very good it was just the gentleness you showed the theme.
As with Wesley's piece he wrote a complex poem structure and I am not sure if we should concentrate on firstly a straight poem of sorts and become complex later.
Just a point young lady,
Yours as always Ian.T

Well dear Ian

Let's say this is gentle because it more describes my feelings, my sadness. It is more a lamentation rather than a war thing. Well, yes it has to do with wars but it fathoms more my feelings and how I see the things around with tears in my eyes. I've been unable to write anything lately because of all what's going around lately. Not sure if this makes any sense.

Rula

It is a pity that the rest of the world cannot see with the same feelings as yours, if they did then it would be stopped very quickly and all of the killings in the world would stop.
But while they can go to Geneva and stay in a five star hotel just to talk and do nothing, then the world will carry on in this terrible state for ever.
I am so sorry for all the people there but cannot do anything that is the hard part.
I have a lot of Toys teddies and such that I would love to be able to give the children that have nothing, but we are locked in a state of lack of knowledge about even the children.
Take care Rula and I hope things get better soon,
Yours as always Ian.T

Let me just do this, Rula...

It's been long since pains eclipsed my joys
and left me mourning many days and nights,
my dreams became nightmares of girls and boys
whose sinless childhood fed the endless blight.

Now trees are sloughing tears - no leaves to shed,
no birds to sing nor whispering wind to hear
as sadness lives and veils the wild instead
and rainbows fade where clouds there hide in fear.

The cries upsoar, while laughter lives a waif;
the hand of fury firmly rules with pride
while justice fears - no place on earth is safe:
Would hope e'er bloom, would evil ever hide?

I got lost with the last couplet...I don't understand it.

"I thought the Neverland will always be
but place that you and I shall never see."

I know you made it up, but what does "Neverland" mean in this poem? I assumed (from Peter Pan, of course!) it is a sort of paradise... if that was the case, than it doesn't seem to fit in this poem. If "Neverland" were a more sinister place, then I would have written it as

"I thought that Neverland will always be
the place that you and I will never see."

Most of the changes I made in the rest of the sonnet were for consistent meter, and the odd change of tense (S1 L3), but I like this poem a lot, especially S3 L1. Very vivid.

And I learned two new words, "slough" and "upsoar" :)

You know what Williams

I didn't like the couplet as well, but like you said, sometimes there are words in your head that urge you to use them, and the "Neverland" thing( which is a paradise like for me), is just one of those. I usually have problems in the closing and I think this is just a good example. I thought the last line in S3 was a good lead to the couplet though, but I thing I should do some changes there

Your other suggestions will be considered, the odd change in S1 L3 is a grammatical mistake.
and sloughing is a nice word too, but I liked the repitition of the word shedding and shed.

Very much appreciate your suggestions.

One last thing, the title...

One last thing, the title... I would have written it as

"In A Sad Land" or "A Sad Place"

mmm

I think I shall keep my first title "A Sad Land"
Thank you Williams.

Proofread only for now.

Of course I don't consider the sonnet an overly complex form and though Ian thinks otherwise, my poem is simplicity in itself.
I notice only two things I can mention. I would not contract "Earth's", but rather just say "Earth is". The meter is comfortable both ways if not strictly correct. It is alright to relax our meter if we don't simply abandon it. Also, "Earth" should be capitalized.
I think the last line would be better served leading with "a" rather than "but".
It always makes me cry when you write about the chaos happening next door.

I want to tell the world

about what's going on here, but no words would ever satisfy..
I am happy though to know that this touches you in a way.

Thanks for your valuable thoughts about the meter and for the suggestions.
I know there will be alot to be said, so I shall be waiting.

Rula

Here we go just my first thoughts I will return as you work on it and see how it forms in the edits

It's been quite long since pains eclipsed my joys
and left me mourning many days and nights,
my dreams became nightmares of girls and boys
whose sinless childhood fed the endless plights.

Now trees are shedding tears-no leaves to shed,
no birds to sing, or whispering wind to hear
as sadness lives and veils the wild instead --- I would have put the 'and' at the beginning of this line
and rainbows fade where clouds there hide in fear. --- and had 'as' at the beginning of this line, its as always the poets choice

The cries upsoar, while laughter lives a waif.
The hand of fury firmly rules with pride
while justice's afraid-no place on Earth is safe.
Would hope ever bloom, would evil ever hide? --- in my mind I think this stanza needs some work its not easy for me to read out loud [it maybe just me keep that in mind]

When everything burns, then ashes would tell
how sadly some lands once lived into hell. --- I don't like the lived in this line I would have an alternative for 'lived'

I think your language use is good I think there are a few places that could be smoothed out for a more even flow in the reading

The theme was a universal one that so many can connect with I am lucky we are a warless country I see the hell that people are living in I read the words of those experiencing it and I find that it never fails to move me 'oft times to tears

I did the best I could tonight I will return later and hopefully be able to offer more

by the way I like the title I think it fits the poem perfectly

love JC xxx

Jayne

I am so grateful for your thoughts. I have done many edits, taking into consideration many of your suggestions. Hope to tell me if the last stanza and the couplet work better.

A sonnet

I'm so bad at writing sonnets that I feel totally unqualified to give anybody else advice about them...,hmmmm....let me see if I can find a typo or some such....OK maybe the hyphen should be replaced with ; ..........stan

Thanks Stan

I appreciate your visit. Please don't hesitate to give any of your thoughts. They might help for my future writing if not on this specific one..
As for the hyphen, I shall consider when I go for the second edits.
Many thanks.

Hi Rula

Sorry I haven't visited you yet! I hope to comment on your poem tomorrow morning! Just thought I'd let you know I'm thinking of you.

Till tomorrow.

Love Mand xxxxx

No hurries dear Mandy

I am always looking to getting your thoughts.Take your time.

Hi Rula

I have never attempted to write a sonnet - so it's hard for me to make any suggestions for improvement, technically speaking.

The poem itself;

Your poem vividly paints a picture of devastation, desolations and fear. It is a profoundly sad poem because it is based on reality - and nothing is spared from "the hand of fury that firmly rules with pride".

The first two stanza are self explanatory and convey the brutality of the situation and the ensuing heartache. I don't think they need any improving!

Stanza three I think may need a little tweak. I agree with JC with regard the "lives" a waif - I'd like to understand what made you choose lives - I tend to be a bit dense. Lol

and the last line ( same stanza )

just as a suggestion -

would it be better;

if promise blooms again, will evil hide? ( only a thought - you know what you want to convey )

The last stanza is perfect. So "to my mind" it is just the third stanza that needs a little attention.

I'll re-visit latter to see your reply.

Rula and I both think you should...

write us a sonnet. It's easier than you think. You already have the requisite skills. If you have any questions... ask us.

Hi Wes

Will look into it - thanks for the encouragement!

Love Mand xxxxx

Hello Mand

and many thanks for your thoughtful thoughts. They helped me as well as everyone's comments to hopefully do some amendments. Yet not still not sure if the last line in stanza 4 works any better especially with its new punctuation.

Hope to hear again from you friends for any other suggestions.
Appreciate everyone's time.

Mand

Can you hear what Sir Wesley's saying :)

Hi Rula

Yep! Will make an attempt after this workshop! Thanks Rula / Wes for having confidence in me.

Hi Rula

This is a complex piece for me. I learn many words from here and how to describe in another sense. its complexity did not strips away its beauty because it originates from reality..

Alid

Thanks Khalid

Thanks for visiting. Hope you'd point out where does ambiguity lie?

Rula...er..Ambiguity?

emm...oookay. just keep in mind though what may seem simple or natural for you in the english language may not be the the same for me. i mean, i don't even know what you are asking for until i find out what does the word 'ambiguity' means. lets see... here are the verses;-
'pains eclipsed my joys'
'mournings cloak my days and nights'
,Now trees are shedding tears-no leaves to shed,
'whispering wind to hear'
'The cries upsoar, while laughter is a waif.'

alid

.good job.keep up.

Hello Khalid

you sure know that English is a second language for me as well, and there could be millions of ways that these same words be said. Let's see

'pains eclipsed my joys'......................[ I wanted that my pains are more, my joys are little]
'mournings cloak my days and nights' [ sorrows are covering my days and nights]
,Now trees are shedding tears-no leaves to shed, [this could be here kind of personification where instead that trees shed leaves, now because of all the sadness, they shed tears ]
'whispering wind to hear' [ No wind sound you'd hear, again because of sadness]
'The cries upsoar, while laughter is a waif. [means cries are strong, they fly, while laughs are weak, if any]

I hope this helps, now tell me how would you put them with your words. I would like to see other ways to express these same verses, of course if you have the time and the will to do so.

Again thanks for pointing these out.

Hi Rula

I'll try...How about these

Drowning in a sea of sorrow
Hope is a fading shadow
will the heaven greets me again
in the arms of forgiveness
or will I be the embodiment of despair
with the endless flow of tears
but i have heard that His mercy is great
and i cling to shreds of hope as I prayed
If He wills it I can find my wings
I can break free from pain and sufferings....

khalid

I love what you did here. You make things look much easier than they really are.
I also like how you put them in a complrte thought while I was expecting that you'd only give me alternative verses to what you 've thought read with ambiguity for you.
I appreciate your time and enthusiasm to show your talents.
Thsnk you.

Hi Rula

typo mistake in te last message for "complete" and "thank you"

Khalid

Believe me

It isn't easy trying to find the right words.

Alid

Rula

Much has already been said and commented upon. I would just say that, I am floating on the wings of your sonnet, soaring in the heights your thoughts discover as also in the free fall

Thank you Raj

for your endless encouragement. Highly appreciate your nice words.

Dear Rula

I compared your original with your present copy, I think you have done a brilliant job with your edits, in saying that I think it can still be made even better, I am hopeless at Sonnets and that's why I haven't offered too much in the way of constructive suggestions I will come back and have another go at a read and any suggestions I might be able to come up with, in this moment I am coming up with naught.

You have come a very long way Rula, Great Job

love JC xxx

Thanks dear Jane. Everyone's

Thanks dear Jane. Everyone's thoughts were really invaluable. I wouldn't have done it without everyone's help. I've started to bellieve that each poem-when well revised, is a unique experience.
Thanks for everyone's effort.

"The cries upsoar, while laughter is a waif."

This is my favorite line. The simile is powerful as is all the language of this poem.

"while justice, 'fraid, no place on Earth is safe." This is my least favorite. I don't like the contraction. Could you use "scared" instead?

"Will promise bloom again! Will evil hide!" These phrases seem to be questions. If they are you can use a question mark followed by an exclamation.

I'm grateful. I always

I'm grateful. I always wondered if you liked this sonnet.
Though becoming a mentor myself, I still feel eager to always be your portege and to do some drills assigned by you like the old days, and (here is my little secret unfold today,)I've always envied myself for having such a gentle and intelligent mentor just like you sir.

Hi Rula

I like the improvements, you've done a great job. Well done!

Love Mand xxxxx

thanks Mand

For your help and the time. Can't wait to read your first sonnet.

This is really gorgeous Rula.

I wish I could claim you as a student, but this is yours. My heart weeps whenever I watch the news.

If we are talking

about the use of some beautifully pronounced words "euphonic", I believe I haven't failed to use some here such as"hear", "fear" / "waif" and "safe" / "hide" and "pride" / "plights", "nights" (though not sure if these last two are euphonical or cacophonical because of the "t" as a harsh sound )
I have though never been aware of their "beautiful" effect so to speak.
I think it we should be using more of these in our coming writings whenever they suit the themes addressed.

Thanks for the information
I hope I get the mission done sir!

You have grasped the concept.

Now, apply it to multi syllabic words. That's a bit harder. For example- "contemplative" is euphonic because of the metric organization (it rolls off the tongue) and the fact that we use a "long" vowel in all of the syllables save the last. Remember when I use the term "long" in this sense I mean the length of the vowel sound and not whether it is "hard" or "soft" such as "I" being pronounced "aye" or "ih".
The "t" sound, of course, weakens the word where something like "mellifluous" is just plan pretty. Consider taking the time to write a quatrain that is purely cacophonous. Just ugly and mean sounding. Protest poems rather require it.

cacophonous

Remember! Life isn’t sempiternal,
but, evanescent labyrinthian journey.
Ethereal-like goes its felicity,
fugacious, and always ephemeral.

Remember! Life isn’t sempiternal,
Ethereal-like goes its felicity,
an evanescent labyrinthian journey,
fugacious, and always ephemeral.

Remember! Life isn’t sempiternal,
fugacious, and always ephemeral.
An evanescent labyrinthian journey,
ethereal-like goes its felicity,