frigid water
waves rocking
feeling the rhythm.
moving with the moon, distorting gravity
the oceans echo in my ears
forever crashing, endless heart beat.
the horizon swallowing sunset
swept away by the Pacific's,
icy November waters.
seagulls casting shadows on my skin
angels of death above
fluttering sunlight.
my lungs beckoning,
the salty waters.
this my baptism,
as well as my icy grave
ships and boats just passers by,
myself frozen in time
sweetly rocking,
taken away,
seabirds harmonize my last lullaby.
as I set sail
to the ends of the earth.
where angels sing
my soul sealed in a bottle,
thrown carelessly to the wind
slowly I sink.
never to be seen,
this my watery coffin
at the bottom of the ocean.
Comments
ello Shyanne18
I don't think I have had the pleasure of reading your poetry before I thought this was a good piece, I do think that it should be broken into stanza's and have some punctuation inserted to improve the impact of the poem, I enjoyed the read and would be happy to offer suggestions for this piece but since it didn't have what level of critique you wanted I was constrained lol
kind regards Jayne-Chloe
Thank you
I revised a bit. Give it another go :)
That's much better it has
That's much better it has more impact you've done a great job :)
regards JC
Shyanne
I have played with the theme and then made six lines before a break, there I had to add a few bits, but Overall your theme is good and just needs something to hold it together.
Ignore my play if not suited to your thoughts or theme, but I just thought that your work is too good to not be a little intrusive, anyway you have finished with my bits so they is gone someplace, you take care and keep writing,
Yours Ian.T
Hello
Thank you. I loved a lot of you ideas. So i tried to make them my own. I feel you guys say so much in your comments, but I always have so little to say.
Shyanne
It doesn't matter how little you say as long as we know that you are talking to us, all we can do is read and help if it is needed or asked for.
You just keep them coming, and let me know when you have finished with the suggestion's I made then I can get rid of them lol, Take care there is plenty of time, Yours Ian.T
PS:- Just be careful of some words as your frigged it should have been frigid with a single "G" and an "I" otherwise it becomes a bad slang word.
Your spell checker wont pick this up..
I believe.....
It may be finished!
your images are great,
You may be newish to writing poetry, your images are great, you have a lot to say although occasionally say too many different things at once, confusing the message, yet like the kaleidoscope life is, you convey a vivid picture and tell a compelling story, one we cannot quite understand, but then all poetry has that element in it, that something unusual beyond the simple, be it through the words, or the meanings; at least that's what I think.
All I say is keep writing as the logic and forms will fall into place with practice, I have found that the first poems I wrote seven years ago, were not as good as those I now produce; at least, again, that is only my opinion. Sometimes when I look at them, I say that's rotten, then the next time feel they're good, or vice versa, but we are our own best critics in the end; re reading them in the morning, they seem, like the light of day, to have changed themselves too.
Its all very exciting, one can hear the echoes from our genes, as the well of knowledge is tapped, the hidden one, revealing things we didn't think we could say or mean come, as if from the air, its all such fun writing poetry, or writing at all. Good luck to you Shyanne - I too was what one could call a shy Ann when little, I think I was gathering images for myself, even when I should have been concentrating on the maths class!!!! :)
Love Ann.