William Saint George
William Saint George
Jan 02, 2014

The Watcher

Are you my guardian angel,
looking over my shoulder
every now and then,
reading,
watching,
paying close attention,
all in silence?

Are you the wind that blows
round me when I cry,
are those your fingers
rubbing on my skin,
and is that whistling sound
your breathing?

Are you just my frantic mind;
the usual visions
of solitude; ghosts
that come to lie by me
at night, never speaking,
only staring?

Are you reading
as I write?

I must be talking to myself,
or that portrait on the wall.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Ghana, GHA

Favorite Poets: William Shakespeare

More from this author

Comments

loved

loved

11 years 3 months ago

I wish you over rule the compy
and avoid too many question marks
that's laps tops requirement
not poetry's .com

secondly
if we read the first unread poetry quickly
there will be none waiting
inside a blocked pipe

and by the way
this is the fourth one
i have read today

William Saint George

I nearly felt the questions were too many...but the point of this poem was the secrecy, mystery and questioning. I cut them down from an earlier draft.
You're doing a good job reading the unread poems...I only don't want to think you just read this because it hasn't been read yet. It will make me happier if something in the preview compelled you to read.

Thanks for your critique!
.

Rula

Rula

11 years 3 months ago

Two tiny things if I may
1. I've been taught not to pause with a comma before"and"
and if this were mine ( I just wish I had written this) I would drop the last two lines to
keep something for the reader to ponder who could that watcher be.
Just an opinion, but this is really good.
Thanks for sharing.

William Saint George

I often violate, Rula. I see you've mentioned this before.

Wesley reminded me that I can be lax on some of the rules of English grammar. This was during his workshop on Storytelling in Verse, when he cleverly broke many rules of conjunctions in one sentence. In my poetry, I use commas to force a pause. That's why you're likely to see them often, even when they may not be required. I use them to (hopefully) guide the reader to read the poem just as I would.

I spent most of my time composing on the last two lines. My earlier ones were really terrible, so this is the best I could manage...but your questioning it raises something interesting. There were two reasons that forced me to keep such conclusions. First, I didn't want every stanza of the poem to be a question. Second, I badly wanted to use the image of a "portrait on the wall".

To be honest, I like the couplet but I liked the poem better without them. :-/

Thanks for your thoughtful suggestions!

Rula

Thanks for telling me about violating the comma thing. Appreciate the free lesson :)

and I understand the feeling when sometimes some words or statements force themselves, but I am sure you can make the right decision when you revisit after a few days.

Ian.T

Ian.T

11 years 3 months ago

There are many things we see without knowing what they are and there are unexplained things that we are aware of.
In the world of Spirit all things are possible and I think that your write on this is great, that you are aware is good,
They will never leave you, they are yours always, Ian.T

R

raj

11 years 3 months ago

A nice soliloquy expressing the state of mind...

L

Lonnie

11 years 3 months ago

This poem pulls you right in from the very first line, and smacks you in the face with its sincerity and logic! It was a joy to read this, and no doubt I shall be re-reading it again and again over the next few days! Bravo!