Pen and paper elude me tonight,
I sit in front of a thousand
lights in the night sky,
send a wish to the sandman
banish her demons and sleep tight.
The torn and tossed paper heart,
like you I find a smile upon a gaze.
Like you in that moment the world falls away
and again sandman I scream your name,
upon your journeys... do not see us apart
Forever and a day
the fighting end.
it is here the demons tourment
seeking perfect words,
I will walk away
The ink could run wild,
the day could surrender to what we see.
A painted picture in old,
in a moment again
to find you merely a child.
I don't know where to start.
love me today,
leave me tomorrow.
The sandman ill call upon
ill be a little lost.
I know where to end,
love you today
leave you tomorrow.
the world turns
maybe find you again
A dream in reality,
in a moment your face I seek,
that moment the world falls away
between us sands of time
and in me simply secrecy.
Comments
the use of wording and
the use of wording and imagery is well placed..and the story holds the reader pinned...I like that....You've done well here
will update
Thank you for your kind words. this is a poem that has alot of bearing in me and will update it shortly.
Hello
There are some really great lines in this poem I have line envy I have a few thoughts on this but I will leave my critique till tomorrow I want to think on a few lines some more with a clearer mind, its 3am here I cant sleep lol
wonderful poem well done
kind regards Jayne-Chloe :)
Zane
So few posts in the last few years, this one needs a little tidy here and there.
The more you write the better you will be, and the workshops will teach you such a lot as the ones running them can teach well.
I hope in the New Year we will see many more of your writes here and a joining in with us commenting and receiving comments.
I hope you had a great holiday and have a great New Year,
Yours Ian.T
At least you have a sign to follow...
Your punctuation could do lots to improve it. read it line by line, make sure you tell the reader who the subject is, who you are wishing well to . Full stops and commas go a long way to giving the reader clues.
Jimm
I have to say that I agree with Mr. Pringle.
I have never understood the desire to eliminate one of a poet's most powerful tools. When I write, I load myself for bear. I will use any and every tool at my disposal to get my point across in an elegant way.
As for the poem, the language alone is worth the price of admission.
I hope you don't find this presumptuous,
I recorded the poem for you to hear it through another's 'ears' and to hear how well it reads as sheer poetry.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1EeZAH27rhM
This poem speaks with honesty, beauty, love and pain. It also bespeaks my eternal battle with that elusive bastard, sandman.
There are a few minor spelling and punctuation fixes that I think would significantly improve the piece.
Stanza 3 line 3
it is here the demons tourment [torment]
Stanza 5 lines 4-5
The sandman ill call upon [I'll, unless you really mean ill, sick, as in badly called upon]
ill be a little lost. [I'll]
A deceptively strong and revelatory ending. Really like this poem.
I can't help noticing, reepa, that you have only given feedback on two other people's poems during the last two years. You will surely get more as you give.