A maestro is born...Reviewed kind courtesy expert poets

i like the word connections
some good jumps
nascent form my fave line
been to the oceans and swam
in rivers and have a child
so i can relate to the magical
mystic of this write...

thank you..

Well there it is a beaut poem, I hope this is the tip of the poet berge.
Loved the action and pictures it portrayed, young Bard, wait till others read!!!!!
Yours Ian.T

Hello loved,
really beautiful this one ;)

I like this most
'' the twilight emerged
as a magnificent dawn …''

especially from you as you seem to include a plea/whine for people to read your poems in just about every comment you make on every poem or topic. (I do take requests for critique by PM). Anyhoo, here goes...

For starters, please lose all those elipses (....) they are unnecessary.
Here is my reading of it.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0U7LFX3K9Ov

I am delighted that you have made an effort to write lucidly and with strong prosodic content. Yes. I like it, very much.

The poem's major flaws are the redundancies.
as witnessed by natural starlight, [starlight is natural]
A lovely couple did prank around in circles
A lovely couple pranked around in circles [scans better and reads more naturally]
transformed the genes into a beautiful form [oh Loved! There is always, always a better word than beautiful]
as the midnight chimed into endless eternity [eternity is endless]
beyond the limitless folds of time [already said endless and eternity, limitless makes a triple redundancy!]
a great immortal maestro was born [immortal, a quadruple redundancy! oh my.]

Ok, those are my crits along with the fact that I think this is a substantial poem that could be very good with some editing.

ok?

Sorry to be late but I had a death in the family and its taken up all my time, I think you have already received some awesome advice above.

I knew you had it in you to write something amazing and that's what I think this poem is

beautifully amazing, there are so many lines I truly love

I will come back Monday night after the funeral etc and go over it thoroughly and see if I cant come up with any more suggestions for you

Bravo Maestro cant wait to read your next effort

love JC xxx

Hi loved,
I enjoyed your work, the truth, and the mythology behind it. That being said, I think you lose a lot in attempts to be "arch-poetic". As much as I love the Romantics and Symbolists, referencing back to that style takes much of the raw power and grit from this work. READ, READ, and READ all the poetry you can get your hands on. Then you can bring your imagination and passions to us without the gauzy separation of overly-flowery language.

Thanks,
Ron

Definitely one of your better poems. Since you asked for my ideas I'll suggest some "right word" changes (shameless promo for the shop lol)
Stanza 2, l-1 pranced? sounds kike 2 horses. I'd suggest a dance term such as waltzed or pioretted(did I spell that right?)
Stanza 2, l-4 delete the comma
Stanza 3, l-3 instead of pretty try fair. A bit more poetic and also adds alliteration
Stanza 4,l-5 change a to at
Just some alternative for you to consider........................stan

Sorry put a comment on here for another poem, its an age thing LOL, Yours Ian.T

Like the imagery here,
you have enjoyed writing this I think.

Ann.

P.S.
I don't write for anyone but me,
in a way,
not intending a specific audience,
not guided to create something particularly,
or good or bad, just expressing myself,
not expecting anything to come of it.
Just enjoying playing a chess of words,
always different,
and yet similar in that they come from the same mind.
Ann.

Magical. Congratulations.

Joe

Now you can see by the comments above that you are capable of poetry that touches so many readers.
It was something in the way you have been writing where as Jess use to say it is worth the wait to read this type of work from your pen.
I hope we see many more of these pieces,
Yours as always Ian.T
PS:- look how many comments there are ?????

I'm sorry - i see that you aspire to "proper" poetry too now and all i can do is commend you for being so open and seeking out advice here. Personally I find this a little over worked and florid, the imagery rather melodramatic in a Catherine Cookson sort of way and the language unnatural both to you and modern poetry. This effort seems to draw on romanticism rather deeply and cloys as I read it. A maestro is born from the conjugation of two people on the sea shore? Please. How long have you been writing. Surely you have just begun and are i the early stage of development. If i was a teacher and a child of say 15 came to me with it I would avoid her for the rest of the term and then move schools.
From reading just two of your poems it seems to me that you're drawn to romanticism and "love " poetry, if so then may I recommend just one immortal collection by Charles Baudelaire " Les Fleurs du Mal ". In it Baudelaire raises love poetry to and beyond anything Shakespeare achieved in his sonnets. As for your fellow commentators here perhaps Weirdelf has something constructive to add other than that it seems that many are simply being nice to you. Would you like me to be nice too?

Jimm

Hi loved,
In my earlier critique, I stated honestly that I felt you were drawing from the British Romantics and the French Symbolists movements to your detriment. This was later stated by Billy. Neither was a falling guillotine. I agree with the recommendation of Baudelaire's "Les Fleurs du Mal " and I would add Rimbaud's collected works also. I can't speak for anyone else's reasoning as to what their critiques of this piece may have intended, but I was suggesting being closer to your heart and perhaps making a conscious attempt to be concise and less flowery.

In a college poetry class with a very dear teacher and guru, I was given the following critique:

""I fall upon the thorns of life and bleed" will only get you so far, the more modern way to approach this would be to talk openly about the embarrassment of having your friends pick the thorns out of your ass".

I followed her advice, and went into a fruitful period of writing that allowed more than melodrama, in fact, some real emotion was possible once I stopped trying to be Shelley or Coleridge. It's not the content that is problematic here; It is the early 1800s "trumpet of a prophet" tone that you employ that distracts from the meaning. This is no guillotine falling, it's just a bit of advice from someone who has read a LOT of poetry. I feel it will be all the more difficult to let your true voice emerge if you continue relying on the "bard" persona and subsequent style. Read something blunt. Read Bukowski, Randall Jarrell, Philip Larkin, or Ai (Ogawa). It could open new worlds of expression for you.

Ron
BlueDemon77

Wow! The imagery in this is creative and beautiful. You must be very proud of this one Loved - it is a poem worthy of great applause.

LOve Mand xxxxx

It seems that you have stepped into another zone...you have already received good comments...it was a pleasure to read this one...I am sure you too must have had a great experience after writing this...

for all new poets to read condemn yes but see
a poet is born polished in time by time

and learn how to compose a real poem as a natural poet of NEOPOETS in the poetic mould