mand
mand
Oct 20, 2013

Shifted

A rummage of grey clouds smother on high,
threatening dark and dreary.
Boredom fidgets indoors.
pacing carpets weary.

A mottle of melancholy dawdles,
while amble billows shift.
Tedium turns over,
waking the sleeping drift.

Google eyes yawn, retired in fatigue,
weighed by the moribund void.
The dull of stimuli
arrests the cushions toyed.

The clock thumps away the daylight hours,
with the seconds heavy tick.
Striking every hour
to jerk the mosey quick.

Until the wind clears the sky of clutter
and the big moon, round and bright,
lights a happy smile,
to jolly up the night.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Sorry! This is an old poem! Please ignore!

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

More from this author

Comments

Bonitaj

The "Shift" from Day to night? Think so, when I read the last verse! I like how you've set the pace and created a sense of boredom. too much internet interfacing perhaps? "Google eyes yawn, retired in fatigue,"
Would be interested to know why you would depict the night as 'friendlier' or 'happier' than the day... ;)
regards

mand

mand

11 years 6 months ago

Spot on! I used the words you mentioned to depict a day of bordem. ( I tend to spend time on the internet when there is nothing to do - or nod off and go to sleep ) - not that that happens very often. Lol

Good question! I guess because, ( in this instance ) by the evening the bad weather has cleared and the stars and moon can be seen! I love going outside on a clear night - especially with music blaring in my earphones - to look at the night sky - or on a summers evening we ( grandchildren etc ) go down to the park - or go for a drive down to the beach with a bag of chips.

I probably need to clarify all that in the poem - I think the ending is weak!

Great of you to read and comment! will be working on that.

Love Mand xxxx

loved

loved

11 years 6 months ago

Experience cum knowledge
Today ....in fact just now I read your self appraisal

At times I have noticed you drop words of wisdom on my poetry which is hardly worth a dime as Jess always and rightly pokes
but more than education it’s the experience which counts I taught my mom how to sign when she was nearing seventy so that she could sign her will alas she had nothing left as her loveliest son removed all of it right under her nose so no regrets nor repents we still live in hope.

.

mand

Thank you for reading my appraisel Kind of you to come by with words of encouragement. One of my big regrets is that I didn't get a proper education - but as you rightly say, life, in itself is an education. We are all part of the universal story - each and every one. I can tell that you have a good deal of experience - it shines through your poetry. And you care!!

unlike your brother, by the sounds of it. .

Take care!

Hope to see you soon.

loved

but together …
we can't live alone
can we?
and we must value the other
money is just only paper
you can burn and get a burning flavor
but then guilt is your entire share ….
leave it or take it,
if you care …
life's shadows are different
from each angle …
your eyes in the night stare at the darkness
some stare like holy madness
day is darker
still time is what they can't kill
steal they still will…..

mand

He he, because I don't actually hear your voice - though we can read out our poems and post them to the site now. It would be amazing to actually hear your voice.

I'm going to attempt it - hopefully soon.

Keep safe..

Love Mand xxx

mand

Thank you for your encouraging comment. You've put a different slant on it, than I intended. It works better seeing it through your eyes! ( if you can see any improvement - I'd be happy to know )

Keep safe

Hope to see you soon.

Love Mand xxxx

Roscoe Lane

I love the way this poem just skips along, and i can picture myself looking out and starting to fidgit about the weather. Great poem Love Roscoe...ps Got to agree with Esker about the line (google eyes) Classic.

mand

Thanks Roscoe - it's always nice to see you. I hope all is well with you. Look forward to seeing you soon.

I really appreciate your visit and comments.

Love Mand xxxxx