Limbs lie frozen
Moonlight twirls
Wind plays
Shallow symphonys
Calm night
Something new
Dark shadow
Presence strong
Flowing quietly
Hovers close
Reaches
Takes Arm
No longer
Afraid.
Oct 17, 2013
Frozen
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Trying something new probably doesn't go down too well but let me know what you think
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Not as good as your Wild and
Not as good as your Wild and Free, this to me seemed more of a list.
So what that means in my hash way, is, that there are a few words that join things or blend the togetherness.
Lists are OK but I just felt this needed more.
I can only see two of your pieces and you have been a member for years is there a problem that we can assist with???
Yours as always, Ian.T
EG:-
Limbs lie frozen
as moonlight twirls.
Wayward wind plays,
shallow symphony's.
Calm nights bring
something new.
Dark shadows,
with presence strong,
flowing quietly away.
This could be just me but it is more of a story this way, and has more feeling...
It works. Short lines can be both effective
and limiting.
Listen, see what you think hearing it in another voice.
https://soundcloud.com/user536630132/frozen-by-riotface97
I tend to agree that the
I tend to agree that the little tweaks provided by Ian give it a better flow. However, Ian forgot to add the closing line "no longer afraid" without which the story doesn't end well. That said I liked the essence of your poem...
Regards,