Who would promise a flourishing garden
that is barren and poor with no womb?
With no food or a plough it would harden
the attempt to attain what might bloom.
Who'd be raising the child; that's the voice
of the future, genteel, and true stone,
if his parents do not care with a choice
of upbringing his manhood with hone?
That's the verse with no rhythm or rhyme,
with no thoughts to evoke or to bliss
or emotion to shake-that's sublime
it won't awe or invoke, it's amiss.
Attached with a spoken word..
Comments
I don't mind at all Kelsey
hope others would share you the same opinion.
Thanks for your kind words dear.
Rula
I am having trouble with the second stanza. The second stanza reads too inverted to me like words were transposed for the sake of meter.
that being said, the poem flowed very well in the spoken form and outside of my comment it was a very well written piece.
Scott
Many thanks Scott
I appreciate your critique. I've edited that second stanza accordingly. Do you still feel any undesirable inversions?
Rula
if ain't is really tripping me up. Otherwise it feels much better
Scott
Scott
I wanted 'if hasn't" but hasn't being of two syllables, I changed with 'ain't' . Not sure what could it be replaced with.
I heard your voice!
Who cares if the poem is good (the meter works very well... a couple of spots I don't like, but not enough to even point them out) I heard your voice!
I am very excited. My precious friend Rula from Palestine (wow, do you sound like you're from Palestine) spoke to me in her own voice and I heard it.
This has made my day joyous.
I hesitated
I know I have no real accent, but right pronunciation at least, I think. Many Arabs would read much better than I with true British or American accents but those surely have the chance to study the British or American syllabus by native speakers. A chance I never had as I grew in Yemen ( a poor country of a few resources if any ) in the early seventies.
Back to the poem,
"Who cares if the poem is good?"
Well! I think I do, and you sir too!
I didn't much like the 2nd st. and Scott mentioned some problems there. If the ex. is not asking for a min.of three quatrains, I would be satisfied with the first and the third.
The meter is fine you said, I think this's enough to give me a motivation to try again.
I know it's not a decent poem. I'm struggling these days to write anything of any value. It will come, hopefully.
Listening to Monsters are waiting (band I like)
reading through Neopoet
Love this...
its articulated
and clever
raining here and cold
the leaves are changing
and falling the leaves
crisp..
a mind trip read
on an end of a great saturday
for me
Thank You!
Esker
I wish you a happy day, month and a great season.
Thanks for your words.
to bliss
dear Beau
you could have accused me, as a native speaker of the language, for using "bliss" as a verb :)
I know you could and it might be one of the things that Wesley and Scott were generous enough not to point out.
Hi Rula,
Just wanted to tell you that I listened and loved
your voice, the poem is ok but your voice carries
a wonderful tone.
I notice that in the spoken, you repeat the line
"That's the verse" but it isn't written that way,
I'm assuming it is for meter (not being written
that way), just wanted to say it works being
repeated to enhance the importance of that
particular line to you.
Great voice Rula !!!
thank you,
Richard
hello Richard,
You have absolutely got the idea behind repeating the beginning of that line. It' s the core of the whole thing,I guess.
Thank you very much for the visit and your kind words.
John
Really great to hear from you!!
My pleasure.
Loved hearing you read it
It adds a dimension we can never hear otherwise, even amongst native English speakers with all our different accents.
By the way, you weren't the first. When Neopoet had inbuilt spoken word recordings I was the first to post one. I think it was about toilet seats [grins]
It has meter, but which particular meter were you aiming for? Dactylic? It was hard to place.
Thanks jess
I'm sorry, my fault. I should have mentioned it is "anapestic"
Awesome Poem
And it means so much more when we hear the inflections of your voice. The message is clear!
Loved it.
Love Mand xxxx