Many years have fled since I looked within
That I lost the touch and sight I loved
Having turned now asking you of loving
Can we start our love in pastures greener?
Ian.T
Sep 17, 2013
Love anew (Bottom line try 3)
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is the worse thing I have ever come across, damn, dum da. Have a lovely day all of you out there, can't wait to see if this needs more, also how the others cope.???? Yours Ian.T
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction: How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
da dum da dum
I seem to do better with the sound effects....if I can hear it, I seem to understand...it is the musician in me...have you read mine? It was bad...four feet instead of five...I like your theme...lost love...alwAys lingers in our minds
Many years have fled since I
Many years have fled since I looked for you
This is very close. So close I can't really complain, but I will. You have accented "for" which is a preposition and generally it is never a good idea to accent a preposition.
That I lost the touch and sight I loved This line is Trochee.
Ha-ving / turned back / to ask / of you / just now Read this aloud punching the first syllables and you should hear how it doesn't work as Trochee.
Here is how it would scan if you were simply speaking it naturally. Compare the two.
Ha-ving / turned back / to ask / of you / just now
It starts Trochee, but then naturally slips into Iamb.
Can you see that?
The last line is clean Trochee.
Can we start our love in pastures greener?
You have the idea. You just need a little attention to detail.
Sorry to bear sad news.
You replaced "for" with "at"... another preposition. The rest works. And honestly that line is not "bad", just not very clean. A little stumbly.
Third attempt at this one ,
Third attempt at this one , just hope it's OK now
Ian
I am still fighting with trochee.....I wonder if Shakespeare counted feet and syllables...I
Ian
I tried to see what changes you've done, but it doesn't show in your revision so I'll leave it to Wesley as he scanned for you from the very beginning.
Rula
It was just line one I was having trouble with, I had put all the edits and the original as 1-2-3 but removed them as it was suggested that I had put on too much for the workshop, I shall try to find them as I copy everything I do somewhere lol:-
PS:- have found them...
Try 1
Many a year has fled since I looked for you
That I lost the touch and sight I loved
Having turned back to ask of you now
Can we start our love in pastures greener
Try 2
Many a year has fled since I looked at you
That I lost the touch and sight I loved
Having turned back to ask of you now
Can we start our love in pastures greener
Try 3
Many years have fled since I looked within
That I lost the touch and sight I loved
Having turned now asking you of loving
Can we start our love in pastures greener?
Take care and thanks for your read, Yours Ian.T
MAny|YEARS have| FLED since|
MAny|YEARS have| FLED since| I looked| WITH in
as I see that the last feet is trochaic. Well done!
If # 3 is the latest...
... "within" is accented on the second syllable which makes is Iamb.
Line three is close, but I don't like "turned now". It is not blatantly Iamb, but it's not quite Trochee.
I know this is tough, but worth it. Like a bicycle, once mastered it will never leave.
of course
"with-IN" is accented on the 2nd syllable.
what was I thinking?