Ian.T
Ian.T
Sep 16, 2013
This poem is part of the workshop:

The Bottom Line

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Ian's Quatrain (Bottom Line is heart shaped)

I touch the way I give to you my heart
In mind my thought is clear as you seem near
To hold your love my twin in life is good
Do let me melt our inner selves now love

Yours Ian.T

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I tried!!!

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Leicestershire, Ex Moonraker, GBR

Favorite Poets: All those I meet or read about in my books

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Comments

Rula

Rula

11 years 7 months ago

Hello Ian, you might like to work out the first two lines to get a full mark and a cookie :)
This is how I scan your quatrain.

 Touch the/ way I /hold you/ in my/heart    (4 feet and a half) (none is iamb)
   In mind /my thought/ is so/ clear when/ needed  ( the first two feet are good iamb)
  To hold/ your love/ my twin/ in life/ is good ( all the verse is in iamb)Excellent
 Do let/ me melt /our inn/er selves/ as one  (only the first foot is not iamb)V.good 

wesley snow

... save the first foot in the last line. It is a Spondee (two accented syllables) which means you could easily get away with accenting the second syllable as an Iamb (or the first making it Trochee). For workshop purposes that metric foot fails because we are looking for perfect mechanics, but in a poem it is not problematic at all.
Otherwise Rula pegged it all, so I needn't break it down.
When I have a minute I'm going to try a rewrite and push it into Iambic Pentameter for you so that you can see the difference.

wesley snow

You didn't have to scan your poem, but since you did I need to point out that you did not show us the accented syllables. You separated the feet correctly, but you would need to demonstrate which syllables are accented and which are not.
You can use Advanced Formatting which would allow you to print the accented syllables by making them "bold" or you can just as easily use all capitals to designate which are accented and lower case letters for the unaccented syllables.
Did that make sense?

S

Now I'm even more confused than usual. I thought ya'll wanted just ONE quatrain.........stan

Ian.T

My first attempt didn't come out write so I writed it again, changing the odd word, I am waiting to see what the changes bring ?????,
Seeing that it is only four lines it was easier for me just to put them underneath,
Yours Ian.T

Rula

Rula

11 years 7 months ago

The drill asked for a quatrain but Ian had it re-written to get some extra cookies..LOL

Rula

Rula

11 years 7 months ago

Your second attempt is perfect as I see it, but I am not sure about the ending of line two. Maybe Wesley will have another opinion as both 'draw' and 'near' are accented.
Let's see what he says.

Ian.T

I am trying on this one, I do this according to the book, so thanks for the OK on my second attempt,
I left the first visible to show the mistakes, to write correctly for me is hard as I have never been taught any poetry and just wrote.
I look forward to the next stage, but will need a reminder what it is ????
My memory banks are full so I need to write these things down lol.
Have a lovely day, Yours Ian.T

Ian.T

It is hard to end that line with two words that have the Da Dum music, I put "draw near" as it can be spoken soft loud, I am having a problem with that ending so as you say we can ask Wesley about it.
Yours Ian.T