With his books,
with his shoes
and clothes
he packed
his awful yet cool jokes,
his raging-teen voice,
his imperfect actions,
his satisfactions,
and reactions
on serious and silly issues,
but he would never pack
the essence;
his sense of love
that shall linger
like his fragrance
to fill my void.
Last Few Words: minutes ago my eldest son headed to his university in Jordan, his first year. though not very far away maybe, but I know I am going to miss him. I already do :(
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
i like this,
I like this and i think it could be very very good, i just think the first verse needs some work. I will have another look at it and see if i can offer anything. Love Roscoe..
Thank you Rosco
I know this needs some work. I just scribbled a few minutes after his leave, so it all came in raw emotions. I admit I didn't pay much attention to many things. I'd really like to hear your thoughts.
You break my heart.
.
:(
NEVER intended though.
Thanks for your gentleness.
NICE ONE!
like this a lot, it's short but says a lot,
Tim
Timpo
I was editing, extending kinda of, when I read your comment, so I thought I would keep it as is till I see what others think.
Thanks for dropping by. It means a lot.
Beautiful and so sad. You
Beautiful and so sad. You made my heart sink.
Joe
joe,
I am happy that you find something touching here. You've always touched us with yours.
Thanks for reading.