You've always been the pen
that wears my weary thoughts
and turns them into words~
cool and warm,
the umbrella
that protects my head
from bad weathers
and from rain,
the pillow
that holds up
my dreams
and releases
the strain.
Now you're not here;
absent and far away,
my words feel cold,
I'm weak, tired
and soaked in pain.
Last Few Words: This is my latest submission. I've posted before starting to discuss the difference between emotional poetry and sentimental one. I still not sure I understand the difference and think there is always a thin line separating these two terms. I've prefered to submit one of my stuff as an example just to experiment my understanding , so no one would be angry with me. Hope you dear friends won't mind it. Do you think this one is emotional or sentimental?
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
A simple piece that holds power of the pen.
Where do our words come from?
Who sends these thoughts to us?
Why do they sometimes leave us blank?
These questions will always be there, it is how we deal with writing in the first place.
I notice that a few poets seem to have to nearly wreck themselves to be able to express the things in their minds, and many do strange things to be able to write.
I am not sure what their answer is, it would be a good exercise to look into this problem..
A great write as is usual now,
Yours Ian.T
Ian
Thanks for your encouraging words. Much appreciate your visit and the comment.
I believe we needn't wreck or do any strange stuff to write when we really have
authentic sentiments.
Trying to see what we got from the work shop, under which category do you think this one goes,sentimentality or emotional?
Rula
Your write seems to be from emotions, but a deeper sentimental thought seam runs through the piece.
It reads as a truth, and also that it is written with ease, that means there is no problem with the situation..
Keep well and Happy young lady, Yours Ian.T
simplicity is
essence of poetry
but try and make
it a bit complicated
as what did the poet
really mean
thanks for reading me
Why loved?
Why should we complicate our sentiments when they can simply show. I think I don't agree with you here and wonder what others think?
Thanks for your visit.
UR A POET OF YOUR OWN CHOOSING
and
have every right to say
what you feel
without any hitch
we shall abide with thee
Whilst the emotion might be authentic
love poems are the most difficult to express with authenticity. Cliche will always make a piece sound shallow and derivative.
This piece is not basically cliched however 'you're the xxxx that xxxx my xxxx' is a cliched form for love poems and I shudder to think how many times
I begged you
not to leave
but you did,
has been written.
Here we see that even the most authentic emotions can sound like sentimentality.
I applaud your courage, Rula, in submitting your own work for scrutiny in this context.
Hi Jess
and thanks for your valuable feedback.
In fact this wasn't meant to be fully a love poem but more kinda of showing appreciation. May be that last desperate lines gave that impression.
If that last stanza is cropped, do you think this would make it any better? I understand that this might be another stage of the workshop so I think I'll wait to see what you and others might say.
Thanks again.
Giving it a second thought
Wouldn't be a great challange to write a love poem, with naked emotion while trying to avoid all the cliches and the blunt sentimentality!
Of course this is only a suggestion for the leaders of this workshop to decide for the coming stages of this workshop.
Thank you.
if we were to ruthlessly eliminate the cliches
You've always been the pen
that wears my weary thoughts
and turns them into words~
cool and warm.
Now,
my words feel cold,
I'm wet
and soaked in pain.
once and again.
works very well as a complete poem.
Many thanks jess
I've tried to avoid the cliches but also needed to keep most of the lines as they're somehow related to that last stanza;
Now,
my words feel cold,
I'm wet,
tired
and soaked in pain.
other wise it will be meaningless. Not sure if this makes any sense
Could I eliminate at least a bit of the cliches.
I said keep those words.
Though be careful of linguistic associations. "I'm wet" could refer to female sexual arousal that in concept would be entirely masochistic.
I thought
the umbrella association was enough to clarify what I meant but as you said it's better to avoid it altogether.
Very much appreciate the caution. Thank you.
mmm...
that last stanza was the fruit of the first three ones. I can't think of another way to close.
It was all authantic emotions as some has already noticed, written in 'ease', in no time and above all, it wrote it self by it-self.
I am not sure I want to change but still appreciate any suggestions.
Rula
I have read the poem several times now and still come to the same conclusion. I do not find much emotion here. The realization, betrayal or deperation as you call it, in the end does not wrap up the poem for me. It feels to me as if you are trying to write to yourself and convince yourself these things are true to make this appreciation more than what it really is. To me, that is sentiment.
Thanks or posting. I think the varied opinions here show just how thin that line between sentiment and emotion can be.
Scott
scott
Thanks for the visit and the honest opinion.
those were true emotions , but I think the change in the last few lines were not good. The revision on the contrary turned it all to read too sentimental. Yes, there is always a thin line that separates between these two.
Thanks for this workshop to show the difference. I learnt new things but I don't think it would be easy for me to recognize which is which. :-[
Looking forward to hear what you think of my other submissions.
I added
Two lines, any difference?
Thank you dear Beau
Making good revisions is always a headache. Never sure if it would lead to a better read.
Appreciate your thoughts. I really do.
Thanks
Rula
I am going to bow out of this one. There must be something in my experiences that is skewing my judgment here.
Sorry,
Scott
Scott
please don't feel that you have what so ever obligations for this. It is most often a matter of attitudes, but I'd always love to hear what others think. I know I am not so good when I revisit my works.and this one might be a good example of bad revisions.