A VERY BERNSTEIN CHRISTMAS

In case some don't remember Bernstein is the mathematician who came up with Bernstein's Postulate which states simply : Murphy Was An Optimist......................

Bernstein is Jewish you know
but observes Christmas even so
decorates his house real festive
on Christmas eve his kids are restive

Well, before last Christmas eve
he asked what they'd like to receive
his wife and little lads and lasses
( hoping for toys or cheap sun glasses )

But being him and with his luck
to buy the list would fill his truck
his disposition, usually sunny
turned grim due to lack of money

He decided to economize
saving cash will be the prize
the first savings I think will be
I'll find and cut down my own tree

So he sped to public forest land
and spied a cedar that looked grand
just as he began to load it
a ranger appeared, where is your permit ?

That "savings" cost two hundred dollars
so he left the hills and hollers
( at least he got to keep the tree )
what other savings could there be ?

AH HA! he saw a discount store
savings are what they are for
discounted turkeys, hams, and such
which could save him pretty much

Over on another aisle:
bicycle kits (beside the tile)
there's even a jewelry section
with a nice diamond selection

Buying all this varied stuff
made loading it all pretty tough
when the trunk lid broke the discount booze
it gave Bernie a case of blues

Finally at home, put the tree up
which was promptly peed on by the pup
who then got the boot out of the door
#$@%ing dog ol' Bernie swore

Groceries stored and presents hid
(ring for wife and bikes for kids)
there's a funny "bird nest" in the tree
he decides to let it be

Doesn't mention it to Mrs. B.
as they decorate the tree
with lights, tinsel, and colored balls
which reflect bright colors on the walls

INTERMISSION.................

Mrs. B. is looking "right"
and Bernie thinks, " It's Christmas night"
maybe the hot girl that I wed
Has a present for me in the bed

But he just can't catch a break
his honey has a bad head ache
so they get the kids to sleep
as toward midnight the clock hands creep

Go on to bed my darling wife
you've had plenty enough strife
I'll assemble both the bikes
for both of our little tykes

Doing so would be a breeze
had directions not been in Chinese !
he got to bed 'bout sun rise
as kids awaken surprise, surprise

Look at the wrapping paper fly!
and the diamond makes Mrs. B. sigh
somebody bumps that funny nest
disturbing hornets at their rest

While swinging at a stinging thing
Mrs. B. breaks the "diamond" in her ring
the discount stone was made of paste
not a savings, just a waste

After many swipes and swats
and a few stings (OK, a lots )
the hornets are all dead and out
the buggers sure do pack a clout

They tried the bicycles outside
resulting in a loss of hide
as "part A" was put in the wrong place
a wheel fell off 'twas a disgrace

So patch them up and stop the crying
( you'd have thought that they were dying )
go inside and start to cook
avoid the wife's go to hell look

At last they're all around the table
and eating all that they are able
before the plates had gotten clean
everyone was turning green

The discount ham was not quite right
it sickened everyone in sight
while stacked at the emergency room
receipient of glares of doom

So you sit back, enjoy the day
I hope that all things go your way
if you think to you life has been mean
just be glad you're not Bernstein

This was originally for Shirley's contest, But I decided it was too long and I'd inflict it on ya'll Ho Ho Ho