poetics of space, opacity of breath
placement of words, stepping stones
subtle pause, falter –or go on-
gaseous syllables left unformed
cosmic birthing of the stars
richness of the not yet said
deeper than the newly born
ears, sound struck , open to the sun
music , note expectant, waits -
harp’s crested gorgeousness,
voluptuously flowers, enfolded,
silence pulses in my tongue
Last Few Words: I have an extraordinary book,' the poetics of space' by Gaston Bachelard. It is just gorgeous. In a nutshell, he speaks about the greater importance of what is left out, rather than what is said or written.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Love,
Love the title, and though a little unsure on first reading, i really think this works. Regards Roscoe...
Thank you - I am trying not
Thank you - I am trying not to be too obscure... are you able to critique it a little more, please/why does it/doesn't it work for you?
I like this
Just because the title is awesome and I feel it captures what you're trying to say about the creative process...how febrile and delicate and cosmic it can be. Our language defines our humanity and connects us to each, everything living. Neat, tight and on point.
Ells x
Thank you very much! I really
Thank you very much! I really appreciate your comments. You have summed up what I wanted to do. :)
silence
"Silence pulses in my Tongue"
is so damn strong that I almost want it to be the final line.
I try to read the lines after it and care, but I keep looking back at it. Maybe you give it to us too soon. It says so much.
Just a thought. Great write.
_Danny
That's a fabulous comment -
I will take serious note of that, thank you. And thank you for reading: it is difficult to see the poem straight after you have written it, so those thoughts help on the re-write.
Thanks, Beau-
Love the word wall...and have listened deeply to your comments. I nearly left the last six lines out o the initial write - but then fell in love with it all and could not let the poem go... So I will re-write it and take good notice of everyone's comments. I love that you love language - so do I -in all it's amazing complexities and strengths and gorgeousness... words just rock, the way we can put those words together is awesome.
I am tired beyond tired tonight so will start reworking this one tomorrow.
xxx
Jenifer
A generous way of writing, evolving into a song of being, a song of longing and then of values of being part of the whole.
If you understand what I mean..
A beautiful write, I am glad that another writer opened this window for you, if only for a second,
Yours Ian.T
Thanks Ian
You are always so generous in your comments...and I always listen to what you have to say. the fact that you like this poem matters to me. Thank you.XXX
Edited and cut...two out two
Edited and cut...two out two lines...thankyyou everyone