Alone

Bitter streetlight
Sneaks past dusty blinds
Frozen crystal-hard
By cold relentless mourn
Of being alone;

Her softness deep within old quilts
Is missing
While I toss and turn
In twisted sheets
As night lasts into lonely dawn.

There must be others
Out there somewhere
Stuck slow in lonely amber
Waiting for the one
who takes away the solitude,
soothing tired tiny stabs of solitary
Deep into the night,

But I don’t know them,
Caught in lonesome
Struggle of their own,
For I know only absence
Of the one I want to breathe
Asleep beside me
As I try to slumber,
Uneasy, and alone.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Hi Jim

I shouldn't be commenting due to eyes being so tired but i wanted to say hello and good to see you. I'll come back when I can give this its due.............stan

Thanks Beau,

Yes, it is good, isn't it?
I don't think we ever lose that feeling, when we miss who we love.

Just the odd tiny thing in this very good piece, I read as a person of average English learning, your piece is working my thoughts fine and then..."Assuaging" crops up and seems Alien to the flow, now what do I do??? Carry on and read the rest missing that word for later, or go look it up, and then start again??
I think that the degree of simplicity was lost (forfeited) by its inclusion..
Just one tiny bit more:-
Caught in lonesome
Struggle of their own,
This needs to be Struggles or does it??
To me it is a plural, the way the two lines read, But will leave that to you,
Yours as always Ian.T

Thanks Ian,

It's always good to read your critique.
I think "struggle' is the word here; the singular makes it universal, the same fight for all of us.
I don't know about 'assuaging', I really don't. I cannot find a word that fits the same meaning without being too passive or easy. I agree, it seems an alien amongst familiarity, but on reflectiuon I think that this might just be a good thing.
You've made me think (lol when do you ever NOT make me think?) so I'll fool around with it, and see if I cannot come up with something better.
Thanks again Ian, your opinion is always welcome, and to the point.

Jim

Sorry to have missed your reply to my small comment.
I love the change it can now be a universal read, and it comes across as a lovely sad piece, obviously fiction as one with such words cannot stay alone for long, Yours Ian.T

Hi Jim

This well captures the unease of having to sleep alone after having had a partner for a long time. Even if the absence is temporary. I kinda agree with Ian on that one line. Perhaps something like : soothing tiny tired stabs of isolation? I think assuage denotes more of easing a feeling of hunger + soothing is a plainer word lol. But these are just My thoughts on Your excellent poem........................stan

Hey Stan,

Thanks for reading and the idea. You know, since both Ian and now you have explicitly mentioned it, I'll have to give that word some extra thought.
Thanks my friend, always appreciated.

Hi Jim,

I do hope this is not a reality for you ... a terrible
place to be. Your poetry has been missed.

thank you for sharing with us

Hi Richard,

It is sometimes, but it never lasts!
I've missed this place...just don't have the time recently, what with homeschooling, work and marriage.
But I think I'll find some more.
Thanks man.

Loneliness

Especially at night when one is use d to be ing beside. Someone has been beautifully expressed by you

Thanks Frenchf,

A beautiful woman, whom all I need to do is think about.
Glad that you enjoyed this one, so much.

Hi

I read this again and made note not realizing I'd already commented ......dumb ass me lol. Hanig gone to the trougle I guess I'll pass along a few more ideas. :
line break between 5 and 6
line 14 capitalize "One"
line 17 consider deleting entire line
line 16 change solitary to alone
last line try alone in solitude.....................stan
l

This poem,

This poem paints a beautiful but melancholy picture, from the blinds onto the crumpled bed sheets i followed the light willingly. Only thing i'd add is an a ( caught in a lonesome struggle of their own ), and one tip i was given, take away the capital letters at the beginning of each line unless it's the start of a sentence. Makes it less like a statement, and helps with the flow. Great poem. Regards Roscoe...