there are times where i cannot see,
what part of your forever belongs with me
you ask me about my feelings and when i don't care,
you are just sending me a healing stare...
but the truth is i really care for you,
that when i lost you in my life,what will i do?
though sometimes i've been a fool to you....
you're so much to me that i'll never let you go..
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Whitescatter
This was a sweet sentiment.
You may, however, want to rethink / reconsider the fourth line in both verses:
In the 1st verse, "you are just sending me a healing stare..." sounds like a forced rhyme.
In the second verse " you're so much to me that i'll never let you go.." suddenly loses the rhyming structure you have worked hard to have thru the whole poem.
I think you may have something here, it just needs a little more work on those two lines.
Psyve
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