we are naked in the kitchen, lip to cheek
I am white as pearl, soft with sleep
toast burns, but on the floor
sand glitters diamonds-
memory of ocean, long bleached ribs of beach
your wind dried body, complexity of male
wrapped deep around my pale
translucent peace
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
I called this 'small poem'
I called this 'small poem' because I have gathered 'love' and stuff makes critics hide! I have a lot of rich themes coming off this one for other poems. Took a lot of lines away because I wanted it to be small, just a moment in time.
What did you take away?
Was nice but perhaps you should PM?
all about the hideousness
of masculinity *
women love to suffer
great small one
will compensate a weaklings....
*****complexity of male
wrapped deep around my pale
Wow
Loved that even more!
Jenifer
It is so dangerous to do much in the kitchen, but I suppose the extra danger adds spice to things and that's where we keep the spice, good fun write, Yours Ian.T