sueb
sueb
Jan 14, 2013

Male Contraceptuve Pill

Male Contraceptive Pill
my heart stands still
give up control
of such an important role
some can't iron a shirt
but able to prevent birth

Will they beep at allotted time?
in my head alarm bells chime
Is it too much to be asking?
wouldn't it be multi-tasking?
expecting him to do the deed
and stop the spread of seed

I'm sorry lads, this one I don't trust
my own birth control is a must

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Ireland, IRL

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

Geezer

12 years 3 months ago

theme and humor/sarcasm here, with the 'truth' riding in with the pack!
Of course, I like that you rhyme well. Now that you have the backbone of the poem and good language, this is the time to smooth out the rhythm and keep the pace.

Now, I may be chastised for this advice, but I'm going to give it anyhow!
Just an example of the rhythm that you might want to keep throughout the poem.

Damn! Male contraceptive pill?
O.M.G, my heart stands still !
Asking me; give up control
of such a big, important role

A lot of people don't like to use puncuation
and say that it isn't necessary, but here is an example of using it
to give a work rhythm.
Sometimes you need to add or subtract a word or syllable here and there,
to make it smoother for the reader.

Just my opinion, ~ Geezer

loved

loved

12 years 3 months ago

guys will also be given an electronic switch
guys will also be given an electronic switch
as you reach an orgasm
yell it's now or never
the guy will press the switch
if he can find it
do it or forget it
but you take no risk
be on your pill
ere he does you fill

S

Loved both the poem and premise. I agree it is safest for women to control their own reproduction. Too many of us goats would say anything to get what they want.............stan

Seren

Seren

12 years 3 months ago

I really liked this one but I agree totally with Gee you have the theme you just need to get your rhythm and pace on the mark this one is choppy to read, a tip when your writing your poems sit back and read them out loud it allows you to see where the rhythm may need some work ... I see you growing ;) smiles

love JC xxx