Jenifer James
Jan 09, 2013

the wind might change

this fierce uneasy day

viciously hot
best left to dogs
paddling frightened dreams in dust
flat beneath my trees

somewhere smoke clouds mound
bruised orange, black and filthy brown
battered giants' fists-
of destruction

as the bush burns

I hear sirens
wailing frantic paths through roads
and tracks
congealed by terror and black ash-

everyone is leaving

but I still watch
and hope the wind might change
that some sweet hiss and hush of rain
will soothe and kiss and softly balm

this fierce, uneasy day

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This was written in a quiet, hot time last night, sitting on the verandah and listening to the chaos of emergency vehicles just within earshot. It was so peaceful (if uncomfortable) in my small, hot space, smelling the ash, watching the smoke clouds with the dog flopped at my feet, while not too far away was the destruction of bush fire

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: nsw, australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Too many influences

More from this author

Comments

weirdelf

A significant and effective structure.
Extraordinary use of language, this sings poetically!

Just one line or image bothers me, I keep going back to it like a sore tooth
a battered giant's cleavage

I just can't fit it into my head. There is no reason why bushfire shouldn't personified as a malevolent female spirit, but a buxom one? Or am I reading it wrong?

F

I was enthralled by the whole without stanza 2 which to me added nothing and almost detracted from the rest of the lines

J

Hi frenchf, I looked at removing the second stanza before I posted it last night but have left it there at the moment with a word and punctuation change. Not sure if i want to lose it yet, or take it out and develop a second poem. The imagery behind enormous clouds smokes is unbelievable, so still playing. thank you.

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 3 months ago

The modified write takes this one to another level an excellent write, Yours Ian.T

Ian.T

To you all out there my thoughts go out for a safe day and night.
That the winds of change will be cool and sweet to your world in Australia,
In our thoughts always, Yours Ian.T

weirdelf

Small change, huge difference.
I like the second stanza now and would keep it. Maybe even develop it, yes bushfire smoke and its effect on the light is a huge source of imagery.

J

I have brought the title back to the softer last stanza, which sums up my emotions at the time - hoping that rain will come and pull back the fire. Not sure. I will probably put this poem away for a while and then breathe on it again. I have to do that sometimes just to see it clearly.

Tam the Chanter

My first comment : BE SAFE

All else is but vanity.

Liked the poem a lot. Imagery very powerful and effective. Welcome aboard.

Ian

J

Yes I know - it's all calm here now but there is always a time when you think- this fire is SO much bigger than my small life, especially when the smoke comes. It's awesome (in the truer sense of the world)- it brings out AWE, how can this be? I find these situations scary, enthralling, and can make time disappear...and then you look up and say 'oh, maybe time to stop dreaming...doh!'

Seren

Seren

12 years 3 months ago

I was thinking of you last night when they mentioned Nowra I hope your safe and things are cooling down for you

I loved the poem but I had problems with the first stanza

paddling frightened dreams in dust
flat beneath my trees

I stumble when I read these two lines It maybe just me as I am the only one to mention it so if you dont agree with me just ignore it lol

stay safe

love JC xxx

J

THank you - yes we are well, it is much much cooler now. drove through the fires on Friday, bit of a mess but have seen worse. I'm down south at the moment and there is 'the hiss and hush of rain".
Now, your comments (and thank you for reading, commenting - it's great learning): I guess I like these lines because of dogs, the way they lie in dust with their little whimpering dreams, little paws paddling (my dog is a kelpie cross, so not that little). The dog and her uncomfortable dreams, for me, was about trying to set up a slight unease in the poem: dog sleeps/not quite peaceful. I agree that it's not a great poem to read aloud.

F

the tsunami.
before the giant wave broke causing death and destruction
all the dogs fled inward from the coastal areas
knowing the worst was to come,
trying in desperation to save themselves.
Man unlike the animals stood gazing out to sea
the beach had suddenly expanded vastly
receding water exposing fish which lay breathing their last?
Man did not realise why.... then the wave hit them.
For some it was their last thought as they were engulfed never to return why?
But the dogs knew they and their masters were going to die

Seren

I am glad your ok I was worried about all my friends down your way one had to leave their home when they came back their house was ok but for a bit of soot it got pretty close to them from what we have heard, dont know that I would like to be driving through that mess my brother in law works for fire coms here where I live and its been ok around here nothing thats gotten away from them anyway

now the poem

*trying to set up a slight unease in the poem*

do you know what I think you may have pulled it off because I read it again and it does carry a sense of unease nicely done hun I think I was wrong in my earlier assessment

glad you are ok hugs and love JC xxx

Esker

Esker

12 years 3 months ago

"dreams in dust
flat beneath my trees"

I get that line
I have and had dogs
in the past as now..
they lay there
dreaming

their feet running
their whimpering

under trees where
the sun is not so hot

Great line
and poem!

Thank You!

Nordic cloud

Jenifer, how well you describe the dust flattened
by the languishing dogs, I have seen them in the
heat of day in Egypt, where they hang about the
Temples lying seemingly dead, but not, and by
doing so describing the intense heat, the lethargy
of heat, the debilitating stupor one feels in such
climates-I do, I prefer the Autumn when the winds
and trees dance, then so does my mind-
but the heat stops me and eats up my energy.
You have put it so well, wonderful poem.

"viciously hot
best left to dogs
paddling frightened dreams in dust
flat beneath my trees"

Such associations as these words awake.

Great stuff Love Ann.

J

Dear Ann, thank you for your comments and for your lovely imagery of Egypt. I much prefer Autumn as well, the smells and promise of winter, longer nights, fires- I find the summer in Australia quite frightening at times, especially with all the long range weather forecasts of raised temperatures. Working in the heat defeats me, the cooler times mean I can walk to work without ending up looking like a beetroot! I wonder if people write differently in each seasons? I suspect they do, as light/dark affects us

BlueDemon77

This poem screamed of danger, every verb, adjective, noun, and adverb. Especially notable to me was the short quatrain: somewhere smoke clouds mound
bruised orange, black and filthy brown
battered giants' fists-
of destruction

I was thousands of miles away at the time but followed the story and saw the devastation and the human interest story of Sammy the Koala that approached a fireman for a drink of water. It must have been hellish. The only thing I have to compare are some pretty close near misses by tornados. Your work has a cultured immediacy that is a joy to read. I'm so glad I've been given the opportunity to read your wonderful work.

Ron