Little birdies leave their nest
To pass or fail the test
Creating emptiness
In hearts of moms and dads
It’s happiness to see them fly so well
Feeling misty, knowing when they return
They’ll be reformed
No longer a mother’s child
Life is not the same
Now that they’ve matured
Final strings have been trimmed
They never return as before
An empty nest, quiet, filled with memories
Of sons and daughters lost at sea, living water
Heart of endless tugging, mended
A few miles from home, a phone call away
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I can relate altough I have no children. I still call my late girlfriend grandaughter my grandaughter. She's married now and lives across town. She calls me almost every day. An empty nest can get boring and lonely. But thank God she's gone LOL. Take Care. huey
Lol
Same here. Lonely nest, glad they are gone.
I suggest you remove the double spacing between lines
it would read better.
Now the poem, Barbara, I think it's cute, in not a good way.
It needs something extra to give it real substance. Sorry.
any more suggestion
thank Jess
Read it like this
Chicklets leave their nest To pass or fail the test [of survival?] Creating emptiness In hearts of moms and dads It’s happiness to see them fly so well Feeling misty [misty? something stronger needed], knowing when they return They’ll be reformed [from what crime] No longer a mother’s child Life is not the same Now that they’ve matured Final strings have been trimmed They never return as before An empty nest, quiet, filled with memories Of sons and daughters lost at sea, living water Heart of endless tugging, mended A few miles from home, a phone call away
See? Apart from some rhymes, it flows like prose. Some suspect phrases "Feeling misty", "They’ll be reformed" [from what? were they criminals?] , "Of sons and daughters lost at sea" This is out of place, it lacks internal logic.
Sorry, you know I respect your work, but this is a bit of a mishmash. I don't know how to fix it. I wish I could be more constructive.
On the other hand maybe I am being stupid and missing the whole point. Enlighten me,
no you are right on
your suggestions makes plenty sense and i will fix this with your suggestion when my mind is better to write the flow of it. thanks. i know you would give constructive crit that i use and appreciate.
sometimes i write to ease my mind of the stressing thought that traps me mentally. this poem was one of those moments and not well written. smile- thanks again.