Today so hot so hot so hot
I lay in bed and thought,
Get up? Not.
Allowing the warm breeze to caress
My naked body without stress
I had some dreams I will not share
Though you know that I would dare.
My epitaph will be, I promise
“I’m glad I didn’t spend
more time at the office”
Comments
Jess
Come on tell us your dream LOL You must keep a water spray near when it gets so hot..
A good write and it read well, Yours Ian.
not even on Neopoet, where almost anything goes
Besides, I find porn boring because it involves other people, not me.
thanks mate,
OK Jess
I was thinking you might have been walking into a WI meeting starkers lol
Any other scene about our Elf would just send us crazy for a while and I think that we already know you have been sleep shagging and that is an "L" in there not an "H" LOL, Yours Ian.T
At last, I get to read a
At last, I get to read a recent poem of yours! a tantalizing poem- indeed, the dream! tell, tell...
would you believe me
if I told you it involved a twelve volt teflon coated appliance and a poodle?
Or overweight cheerleaders?
maybe me as Faith and Buffy getting together?
Nah, other people's porn is boring.
I know this is silly and not much but I'm finding my way back from a dark place. Any writing counts.
12 volt teflon coated
12 volt teflon coated appliance and a poodle?! Whooohooo!
Quite right
I wasn't going for exact rhyme, just similar sounds.
Thanks mate,
Hey Jess!
point taken...but seriously, wouldn't the office be cooler at this point, since I heard the fire are raging in N.S.W. ?
Cheers
cooler
in what sense of the word?
We always have fires in summer. Sometimes the even get into Sydney through the fuses of bush. Recently there have been more psychos lighting fires. I blame Rett.
While I am...
so glad to see you writing and the theme resonates with me, I couldn't help noticing, that there are some bobbles here. Office doesn't rhyme with suffice,[neither does orifice, although it is closer]. Add and subtract a few syllables here and there and it will smooth out. ~ Gee
P.S. As soon as I posted this, I saw Lonnie's comment, and your reply, but I stick by my comment and critique.
pronunciation, mate.
The way some people, especially some Brits, upper class I think, say suffice it does rhyme. The way I say it orifice does rhyme with office.
Actually, not so mad,
Actually, not so mad, Weirdelf. Pronunciation of words in different places on earth could make or break a poem for different people. I wonder if people read differently in different countries too - longer spaces between word, different rhythms? Fascinating thought on a (lovely, lovely wet sunday).
pronunciation chages over time too
TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
Naked and hot
Mmmmmm
And great poem!
thanks to Lonnie and others for critique
that suffice/office thing started to bug me too.
Is this better?
Yes much much better
Sometimes one overlooks accurate rhyming when the concept is meaningful
ta
muchly
Subjective is fine by me. I trust your instincts.
And I agree, truly is clumsy
how about
Though you know I would truly dare.
Though you know that I would dare.
?
Jess
I remembered from looking up bits when we were in workshop that the two words you used were called,
Assonance where 'Office' and 'Suffice' rhyme.
According to the web:- Assonance is the repetition of vowel sounds (FICE) to create internal rhyming within phrases or sentences, and together with alliteration and consonance serves as one of the building blocks of verse. (Though these two, the sound changes in the two words)
I notice that you have changed one of them and simplified the write in that Stanza.
were they too far apart in sound to keep ????
Just a question for future thoughts,
Yours Ian.T
suffice can be pronounced to rhyme with office
but most people pronounce it to rhyme with ice. The latter having no similar vowel sounds so it wouldn't be assonance. Although the similar f and s sounds are certainly consonance, when the vowel is different, otherwise it's just a rhyme.
Apart from today's revision, based on Beau's critique
Though you know that I would dare.
I only changed
My epitaph may well suffice
to
My epitaph will be, I promise
to guarantee the rhyme.
ta, mate
I was talking to MichelleK the other day about Poetry vs poetry vs utter drivel and at the moment I'm happy to arrive somewhere between drivel and poetry.
Stan's new workshop will be addressing poetry vs Poetry, it should be fun.
Drivel and poetry
I like this...
at the big library here..
today I got to interact with people
on the left of me and right...
Joys of Library mate!
I can go home to my machine there
and miss all this....
I like how drivel AND poetry can be
examined like laundry coming out of the
machine!!!
I do a lot of laundry at home
for Myself
The house
Bunni
and Ataya
and its all different..
branding...
make of material
purpose
design
not all
what one thinks..
its a work
The two people on either side of me are using comps for app
fun...what turns their crank like I use neopoet for mine
you shall understand mate.....
You had a point when you called me brother..
I missed it then
but I see it now..
and I have to agree.........
This poem is so fantastic now
It is nominable in brevity and meaning.
Ello Jess
I really loved this one and can relate had a few moments on the bed naked in front of the cool breeze coming in the window lol how hot was today it got to 45 here and then it stormed then it got unbareably hot again
Allowing the warm breeze to caress
My naked body without stress
I had some dreams I will not share
Though you know that I would dare.
my favourite lines
love JC xxx
We say...
off-iss, you say off-ice. Anyways, I hear what Frenchf and you both are saying. I was looking at the work as though I had written it and what I would do with it. My mistake. I got your meaning from what you wrote, without perfect rhyme. Guess that makes it alright. ~ Gee
We do not say off-ice!
I don't think any English dialect or accent does. Like orifice is always ori-fiss. Suffice on the other hand can be pronounced both ways.
I have paid attention to all the critique and made some changes. Do you think it has lost anything?
Do you know how to use the Revisions function to compare previous drafts of the poem? I use it frequently when a poet is actively engaging with critique and revising their work. It is so easy to throw out the baby with the bathwater.