Jenifer James
Jan 04, 2013

The webs of love

The webs of love are intricately spun:
passionate bodies and sudden bucks of lust,
mouths savored, goblets for gods' good drink,
rich from ancient harvests
of desire
and such helpless tenderness,
when all of that is done-

an unexpected sweetness
a tumble of words without a voice
and then-

bird song

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I have just re-worked the last lines, Is this better?

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: nsw, australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Too many influences

More from this author

Comments

Seren

Seren

12 years 3 months ago

I can find nothing to crit

Exquisite poem

Nice to meet you I look forward
to reading more from you

Regards Jayne-Chloe

weirdelf

You and FrenchF.

Really loving your poetry, it has rekindled my jaded interest.

There is a lot of prosodic skill in this work, but frankly it is a pain to analyse it fully unless there are glaring mistakes, which there are none. So, sorry, no technical feedback from me unless you specifically ask for it.

S

Welcome to the asylum lol. I'm not much of a free verser but even I can recognize a good one when I read it and This is such. The only thing which I wonder about is the last line.............maybe silent bird song? Just a thought ...................stan PS another darned Aussie ! Well I reckon we can survive yet another one (just kidding)

J

Thank you, Scribbler - I agree about the last line. This is a rough draft and I posted it to get to sleep last night, otherwise I would have kept going with it until morning! I need a life! I have started re-writing it and think it is nearly done. PS I am only a pretend Aussie.

J

Thank you Beau - everyone has been very welcoming and I love the process of development here.
I tried using the ellipses to pause the line in the rough draft, but have already re-written it in the next draft. I find them quite clumsy as well unless used by the bloody brilliant, quirky or expert. I have also noticed that sometimes when people read poetry out loud (which I tend to), ellipses do not serve their intended purpose.

S

If you want to lend a pause without using................, you could just leave a space between lines and thus isolate and lend weight to that line, just an idea...............................stan