Power
She Loved me like a lightning bolt
caressed me like a breeze
She softened the electric jolt
with bloodstained melodies
She met my naive wondering
with worldly teacher's tone
she took the distant thundering
and made it all my own
Her kiss was urgent, ravenous
Her lips a velvet hook
Her deep set eyes were cavernous
with hidden pleasures look
Her body valleys mountains seas
Her smell opiate mist
Her hair silk tentacles of pleas
her secrets to be kissed
Her absence is a void left sore
Her missing hurts the worst
this vacancy was seen before
I'm not the last or first
The hurt is palpable in time
its aches congruent beak
she gave me soul pain's noble rhyme
so I in time could speak
Sometimes I think of her still yet
It's smiles and Mayday sprees
despite the razors, no regret
I've known rare ecstasies
With time and with mere circumstance
I'm blessed and joyous too
by fate's design or just by chance
to know the Power that's you
Comments
Her smell (an) opiate mist
Her smell (an) opiate mist would help the flow
Her lips a velvet hook strange image, but I like it
Her body valleys mountains seas prolem with not having conventional punctuation is this could be read as 'Her body valleys' instead of Her body, valleys, etc
to know the Power that is (that's) you would make it flow a tad better.
Her hair silk tentacles of pleas another cool image although I kept reading it as 'please'
Sometimes I think of her still yet a bit awkward, a forced rhyme
It's smiles and Mayday sprees 'It's' has no referent, perhaps Her, The or Our?
this seemed quite accomplished to me, the metre's crisp and the rhymes varied (not all one syllabul) I enjoyed reading it and my crits are minor ones
all the best
ross
You've given me a lot to think about
Thank you Ross,
Each suggestion you have made is worthy of consideration. I did the 'opiate mist' line that way to attempt keeping the alternating iambic trimeter, iambic tetrameter scheme. There are currently lines that I feel are not as strong as they could be and none of your specific critical points were dealing with any conscious aesthetic choice of mine other than the one listed above. You've given me a lot to think about. I appreciate it. The "sometimes" line especially strikes me as 'precious' which is only above clever on my "disgust-o-meter' .
Ron
I can find no fault with the work.
Not even the opiate line Ross mentioned.
If I noticed anything odd, it was your use of the word quatrameter. I've never heard the term. I have always called a line of four feet tetrameter.
wesley
Thanks Wesley
Yes, you are correct. I can't explain the mistake, I've been working with metre and form poetry for many years. Overall an embarrassing failure of my knowledge base. Thanks for the kind statement and bringing the mistake to my attention. I'm glad you're back around. I've always had the feeling I could learn a lot from you.
Ron
like it
I parse
Her smell |op i |ate mist
a comma or dash after smell may help, but will still not be iambic… imo it doesn’t matter, unless you want it perfect, lol cos it is apart from this line
- cos I know you meant to write
‘to know the Power that’s you’
one typo
‘She softended the electric jolt’ - softened
love
‘she gave me soul pain's noble rhyme ‘
and 'her hair silk tentacles of pleas'
great write as usual ron
love judy
xxx
Thanks Judy
I greatly appreciate your constructive criticism and kind words. I was thankful for this poem as I'm in the midst of a slump where I despise what I've been writing lately. I liked this one, but it's the first in awhile. To see what I'm talking about look at "Detritus" in the stream. I meant to do a very experimental metre scheme but ended up with a bucket of dung. It was the first work I've submitted that didn't receive a single comment, nor do I think it deserved one.
As far as the parse, I intended "HER smell OP i ATE mist' in that metre though I know the emphases express themselves naturally and I could easily be wrong with that line. Thanks for the very kind statement about the opiate line not making any difference but for sure I'll be working on it until I get that perfect iambic flow.
I'll change the typo immediately.
Again thanks very much for a very thorough and valuable assessment of this work.
Ron
a suggestion
opiate smell amidst...
xxx
ron
i quite like this. you made me want to continue reading. alas, i have forgotten how to correctly critique the quatrameter and technical blahblahblah but i believe you have accomplished something here! haha nice write.
yours,
mag
Thanks emogothgirl!
I appreciate everything you've said here. Thanks very much!
I like the lyrical flow of it and I think it accurately depicts my feelings toward whom it was written.
I can't thank you enough for the kind words. :)
Ron
Keep thinking of Medusa
Or Disneys Cruella Devile
something about the supra ego of the alpha female
dangerous
or the psyche of POWER
that is neither male nor female
the ego is not about sexuality
but Ive been around women who
make me melt
with one intelligent line
or look
yes the tentacles
dare I say Power is
more more more
Thank You
You're onto something as usual, Esker!
Esker, You really have to stop hacking my mind like this....hehe. You've pretty much dissected and quantified what my poem is about. She was singular but you've nailed it. She was a talented poet and singer and not conventionally attractive but to say it bluntly, I wanted to swim in her chemical stream for as long as she would allow it. More bluntly yet, I wanted to occupy her stink for as long as she would let me. It was psychological with a biological chaser.
Thanks much for the astute and fantastic read and comments on my poem.
Ron
Age..
only addition to thoughts was the "an" but I see
its been included to help the flow of this magnificent
poem Ron..
All I kept seeing was age..how men age and use the
scalpel of Vanity to keep looking good
All this from watching the television shows
if Vanity to me was a woman urging me to keep my youth
so she would still play coy with me
or toy with me
Which got me thinking here too
If I won money I would fill the potholes from acne
that I had horrible as a teen..(there is a substance they
inject to fill the depressions) have laser work to fix
the blemishs and spot...Have a chin implant for sure
(I have a weak chin) soften my nose or reduce the
bump on it. Repair my teeth or have them pulled
for a good looking false set...(at this age despite the
gov backed dentist paperwork its hard to get dentists
her to deal with ODSP forms..they hate waiting for
their payment and only cover basics)
I have two upper missing teeth from pulling a good back
tooth for pain medications...I got two pain pills that time
instead of the twenty some before for a rotten tooth
same dentist...he must have just known
so my jaw came together better and pushed out
the top ones from the bottom jagged teeth I have
They got loose infected and had to be pulled
See Vanity...For me this is a love
all from poor self esteem
but that reflection be it from a mirror or from others
fills a shadow that I can relate too in this write
how the pain is a feeling
I know this is about power
and how everyone thinks its yeild is something
and somehow convienvent and easy to handle
its not.....power trains most people
Ive tasted a small portion in the past
and without discipline and good backing
in ideals principles etc
the Ego pushs the concience aside
and struts in and sets up office
I am just a man
imperfect from the get go
I greatly enjoyed this poem and like the
Medusa Referance too
Thank You!
Hi Esker!
The woman that this was written about was definitely an Alpha, but after she made the first three moves even I couldn't mess it up...hehe. I'm not an overly confident person but I am able to contain most of my turmoil internally with no exterior show. When I speak to some one I look them in the eyes and I've earned some trust and respect in myself over the years I guess. I don't know that I'd change myself that much. I guess if I ever get a turkey neck I might think about it, but I'll gladly wear my scars and wrinkles. Thanks for such a nice open post.
Thank you Sir!
Ron
BlueDemon77
Ron
Couldn't figure out which ex. does this piece meet but I've enjoyed it anyway..
It is both sad and creative.
Nothing to offer.