Eyes cast down
submissive stance
she's his clown
he leads the dance
Always at his bidding
no initiative to show
she must forever show willing
or his wrath she will know
He'll pay for whatever she wants
as long as she obeys
with pretty things he taunts
her emotions he plays
She's his possession
one of his toys
he's her obsession
she lovingly complies
Comments
Hi Sue
This is good. One line, # 7, seems out of whack, though.
Perhaps "she must be forever willing", instead?
Good stuff
Hi Jim thanks so much glad u
Hi Jim thanks so much glad u enjoyed cheers x
I would use...
[be] willing. The other line I would change is, the last one; I would use "She gives him joy." That way, she still "complies", but the rhyme is right! Just a suggestion, ~ Geezer
thanks a mil x
thanks a mil x
Dear Sue
I liked the poem but there are a few lines I would tweak up, for starters I would break it into stanza's, giving each stanza the chance to shine, if you would like me to show you what I mean dont hestiate to ask I am always willing to help
sincerely Jayne-Chloe
Hi I tried to edit it I
Hi I tried to edit it I actually pasted it as different stanzas but it keeps coming out as is even thought I changed it under edit don't know why anyways I tried lol thanks again x
Hi Thanks I'll try and break
Hi Thanks I'll try and break it up cheers x
Hey Sue
Eyes cast down
submissive stance
she's his clown
he leads the dance
Always at his bidding
no initiative to show
she must forever show willing
or his wrath she will know
He'll pay for whatever she wants
as long as she obeys
with pretty things he taunts
her emotions he plays
She's his possession
one of his toys
he's her obsession
she lovingly complies
I think it reads much better like this, but if you dont agree dont change it it is after all your poem
sincerely Jayne-Chloe
thats exactly how I had it
thats exactly how I had it and don't know whats happened it won't let me change it to that either I've tried and I'm very appreciate of your input thanks so much cheers x
If you want to use my edit ?
Right click and highlight the edit I have done and just copy paste
no worries glad I can help :)
Jayne-Chloe
yippee I don't know what I
yippee I don't know what I was doing wrong thanks so much for your time and help you are very kind x
Hi Sueb
the first verse sets up a very short, jazz rhythm which is great so i think the more you can stick to short sharp lines the better, it suits the theme.
eg
at his bidding
no initiative to show
forever willing
or his wrath she'll know
He pays for what she wants
as long as she obeys
with pretty things he taunts
her emotions he plays
she lovingly complies--- its a pity this last line doesn't rhyme but i wouldn't change it as the meaning is more important.
best wishes
ross
Hi Ross thanks so much for a
Hi Ross thanks so much for a gr8 comment as always I think complies rhymes with toys so glad you enjoyed the rhythm of this one all the best x
Dear Sue,
The poem reminds me of a sad relationship I was once in. I think he wanted a programable Doll, not a flesh and blood woman. What he really needed was therapy, and lots of it, lol. I really enjoyed these lines:
Always at his bidding
no initiative to show
she must forever show willing
or his wrath she will know
always, Cat
Was in one of those
Was in one of those relationships many moons ago but we learn from everything glad u enjoyed cheers x