judyanne
judyanne
Nov 07, 2012

where you are

performing rhythmic, circled dance each night
respective diamonds all contribute spark
and shine there, each displaying perfect light
within the deep obscurity of dark

while splendour up above, my eyes behold
nocturnal intuition calms the air
wafts softly and I, somehow, am consoled
the glow that lived in eyes abides yet somewhere

when comes the day, they seem to disappear
as potent rays of reason slowly creep
but even so I find I hold no fear
they’ll all return when Sol’s, again, asleep

and as the light of sunshine cloaks the star
so logic’s glare disguises where you are
.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many

More from this author

Comments

Rula

Rula

12 years 5 months ago

dear judy. ( can I say beautiful too)
I can hear you singing it with that melancholic tone(bravely though).

aside "clear" and somewhere" , and "sleeps"and "creep" I find nothing to criti.
I trust you can find an alternative rhyming words though imo you can go away with these too.

and I could see how strong is your volta, (as bright as the sun :)

and not to forget the closing couplets.They speak chapters for me.
Well Done !

judyanne

for the great crit
and no - i won't let you get away with near rhyme in a sonnet - so you must not let me :)

i have changed it, and i think i like it better too
love judy
xxx

judyanne

also on re-read i've noted that
'and shine there, each in its own perf -ect light'
and 'with beaut -eous splen -dour wond -rous to be -hold'
are both off scansion -

have changed the first - still thinking on the second :)
love judy xxx

Rula

mentioniong a re-read, I couldn't see how you've parsed this line

wafts softly and I, somehow, am consoled
 

this is how I read it

wafts soft | ly and | I, some |how, am | consoled 

what do you think?

 

 and a great rhyme scheme..

 

 

judyanne

wafts soft -ly and i some -how am con –soled

'wafts' - well i am going with the rhythm here and feel the word is soft enough fo me to get away with it ... you well may question the 'and' - but it follows a vowel sound and can then be stressed, as far as i understand the rules :)

-lol -that's not to say i'm correct..

love judy
xxxx

Rula

never unstress a word like "waft" and stress "and" but experts know better :) , I am still a beginner in this world and  as you said it has much to do with how you read it.

judyanne

i probably agree with you re 'wafts' i'll work on it perhaps - but i do think i can get away with it

as for 'and' - it is definitely unstressed after a homorganic consonant (eg t, p, b - any that, in order to say, we have to make our lips meet or have the tongue touch the roof of the mouth) but, for example it would be stressed after the vowel in 'he accepted the job, no ands or buts about it'...
xxx

Ross Hamilton Hill

Ross Hamilton Hill

12 years 5 months ago

Not sure you need 'yet'.
If you can I'd change 'old Sol' to something else because 'old Sol' introduces an old fashioned, almost nursery rhyme feel which is at odds with the tone of the poem (but this is a very minor crit).
Creeps and sleep as a half rhyme seems perfectly ok to me.
I like your verse poems very much, I think the form suits your talents to a tee.
kind regards
ross

judyanne

i think that i do need 'yet' - for the iambic, and also it is what i want to convey - that the light 'yet shines'- that it 'still is there'

and as for the near rhyme - rula is correct - the sonnet is very strict about these things, so i have changed it -

i appreciate your crit very much, and thanks for the kind words
love judy
xxx

loved

loved

12 years 5 months ago

enjoyed the dance
around the pole
the whole night was sold
great one this as usual
after you changed your logo

loved

I am more beautiful
when I appear
under the cover of darkness
I was the prettiest one of all the siblings
as all loved to kiss me
life thus ebbs away
now I'm dark
cracked ..crumpled crippled and screwed
all joints are so loose
the entire world knows it,
but still poetry is all I'd compose for you
pretty one
serene
two Judy's i have as friends
one is you
and another an American

Candlewitch

after reading your poem, I read through the comments. I don't understand all the stressed and un stressed words. Do you know of a book that could help me with the understanding? I did enjoy your sonnet. I liked the last lines best:

and as the light of sunshine cloaks the star
so logic’s mind disguises where you are

thanks and love, Cat

judyanne

i am sure there are a million books on the subject... but sorry - i have no titles for you

- but imo there is no real need to spend money -  information is available  on the web - just google 'meter in poetry' (or something similar).... but if you go to my current workshop

fixed verse – it's not a curse

and scroll down to the exercise – meter and line length, it explains it

if you just think how you say a word in ordinary speech - each word has syllables, and each syllable is spoken stressed or unstressed when we say it

eg Hello, how are you today? Thank you, I'm well
would be said as (bold is stressed)
Hell -o, how are you to -day? Thank you, I'm well.

I am sure you will understand the concept. it is really quite simple, and i am very happy to answer any questions if i can - if i can't then jess or wes will be sure to be able

 Perhaps you'd like to join the shop? - i am sure you would enjoy it, and it doesn't expect you to write every week - only those forms you think you might like to try

thanks for the very kind words about this write

love judy
xxx

Seren

Seren

12 years 5 months ago

I am late to the party you've done some great work reading through the revisions ... beautifully executed kudos

love JC xxx

Candlewitch

Thanks for the warm invitation to the workshop. But I am sad to say I haven't the time to join at the present time due to other commitments. I think I need specialized help, lol, as I'm a "show me" girl. Maybe something like "Poetry for Dummies or Meter For Dummies" LOL. I'll see what I can find on the internet.

love, Cat

loved

loved

12 years 5 months ago

I am more beautiful
when I appear
under the cover of darkness
I was the prettiest one of all the siblings
as all loved to kiss me
life thus ebbs away
now I'm dark
cracked ..crumpled crippled and screwed
all joints are so loose
the entire world knows it,
but still poetry is all I'd compose for you
pretty one
serene
two Judy's i have as friends
one is you
and another an American

loved

judyanne

i already replied to your first comment
this really needed none
and it would only put it back on stream needlessly
since i am now replying to jc, i leave this note for you
i too am 'cracked ..crumpled crippled and screwed/ all joints are so loose ...' and stiff too lol

love judy
xxx

Ross Hamilton Hill

Ross Hamilton Hill

12 years 5 months ago

i've recited your poem about 6 times now, and I still stumble at

the glow that lived in eyes abides yet somewhere

it just seems a syllable too long and i can't see how it scans.

my scansion mansion just ain't dancin'

ross

judyanne

iambic pentameter, finishes with an extra unstressed syllable - making the count 11
- it is called a feminine line - shakespeare used them a lot in his sonnets...

i like them as they are useful in pulling up the reader at appropriate moments when a pause is useful to the write
love judy
xxx

judyanne

But I am going through my writes, deleting the ones I don't like, and making mostly small edits on a few that are really annoying me.

I promise do do it slowly and not flood the stream too much

love judy
xxx