SERRAGLIO -rewrite of BORDELLO ["oblivion" is back]FINAL RENDITION as of 3AM 11/9

to a hot summer day. I can picture lying there, enjoying the fade into evening and then finally the entrance into the land of dreams. Delicious! ~ Gee

Like this....very evocative use of soft sounding lexis.

'Betty'

when young under you
many would have loved to reel
you have quite an experience i feel
so be it
may Almighty fancy thee

As always brilliant imagery and a pleasure to read,
I have no suggestions

I love the last stanza

love n hugs your Jayne xxx

all the noise of living
settles to a whisper this is a great opening
barely heard I'd omit this as it's implied by the previous line
riding sultry breezes
of a tropical night. 'tropical' is a bit ordinary something less expected?

Black lace and satin.
Perfumed silk curtains
dance across the room
from the balcony window. always worthwhile to use punctuation as it gives you more power over your words. This S is less successful that S1 both rhythmically and image wise

Murmurs of the day
still lingering.
In dark alleys,
fade away into
night’s oblivion oblivion is an abstraction, it works sonically but as an image its vague, better if you can find something more real.

I think the title sets up expectations, this poem is not specifically about a brothel, it could be any ladies room and works in that capacity.
best wishes
ross

i went for a walk and when i got back lo and behold, much better
ross

"night's oblivion"...was the perfect ending...a bordello room...where adults could be oblivious to social codes of behaviour. It was certainly much harder, stronger. It doesn't need toning down with the wishy-washy safe girlie bedroom feel..."silent shadows".

I think the whole essence and feel has been broken...pity :(((

It's all subjective...just be true to your initial draft, it worked.

'Betty'

but II failed to understand it. Not your fault, mine.

Evocative,
because of the title, Il Seraglio die Entfurung-can have spelt that wrong.

One's imagination fills the cloth that dances over the waves in the breeze of events, cooled after the heat of the brothel, its perfumes and sounds dying in the dawn. I can imagine. Anni.

Enough said...LOL

'Betty'

Ich liebe Die entfur..aus ...etc Mozart. Specially the bit where Osmin and Blonda are discussing in semi-whispers, the escape of Constanza; at least in the recording I heard it first. That electric air of expectancy and intrigue; something that surround a brothel I dare say-never been near one other than in films. Anni

I like what you have done with this one ... good work guys :)

love your Jayne xxx

nicely composed now, lovely flow,

dance round the room gives it more alliteration, also more like real speech
like ocean waves 'on' is too literal
Murmurs of the day
still linger(ing)
in dark alleys
fade away into night’s oblivion
breaking the lines like this creates an added alliteration as the lines are begun below the same letter,
bit of a trick, but it gives a visual and sonic hesitation to the rhythm, a bit like a jazz impro, don't actually think it would help this poem, just showing you for future refence
think capitalizing Night is unnecessary, night is not central to your theme, nor is it a character in a narrative.
but please don't change your poem again, its your work and it's fine the way it is, these crits are just my way of saying 'write more poetry'
peace and blessings
ross

my layout didn't happen when i posted,
'still' should start under the 's' of murmurs
'in dark...' should line up under the 'in' of 'lingers'

maybe needs HTML symbols to make this happen? shall have to ask.

so

Murmurs of the day

             still linger

                    in dark alleys

maybe will work now