The rain-
It cleanses all manner
of things
scouring the route
to redemption and
sorrow
Like tears-
they never fell
when I stood over
your still sullen shape
But now they do
Like torrents
trembling terrible
torments
washing the life
we had clean away
All stains are gone
You are erased
from our life
like lines of
laundered linen
Comments
Wow, this is good,
even for an 'end of love' poem. Really effective use of alliteration and great imagery, kinda scary.
Well done.
I would only question the use of '&' instead of 'and'
and, you know? It feels more like the 'other' is erased, rather than you. That's why I like it and would suggest a change of title and small changes in the poem to re-inforce it.
Thanks Jess
I appreciate your comments and have updated it accordingly...I wrote this very early in the morning, the rain was keeping me awake...and it sounded menacing. I just drifted into a maudlin reverie...and voila!
I'm always a glass half empty type.
By the way, I'm a returnee to Neopoet. I wrote a few posts a few years ago under the name 'panaella' but when the site went into meltdown it coincided with massive changes in my life. Life is a sea of calm after the boiling cauldron that was...the muse is returning. I'm so glad you're still around to critique.
Chat soon,
Ellie :)
Welcome back Ellie
I do like this even more.
'Nec illegitemi carborundum'
(never let the bastards grind you down)
or in this case
'Nec illegitemi erasum' [teehee]
Agree With Jess
Make the poem yours where you are the victor of the tears:-
I am erased You are erased
from your life From my life
Lovely to read a good piece so simply put, Yours Ian.T
Thanks Ian
I've made some tweeks to the subject...It does work better.
Thanks for looking it over. Will always appreciate critique, i'm still developing (that's why i'm here!) LOL
'Betty'
Damn...
I hate it when I am beat out because I couldn't get my comment posted from some stupid glitch in the system!
Then I feel like I am just parroting the previous commentors. I totally agree with Jess and Ian. This piece struck me as being about the release of yourself from someone who hurt you by dying. You never let them know how much you cared. Jess is right, I question the use of & instead of and, but I am not sure of making any other changes. You will have to decide that for yourself, if you can seee from the comments that you are not getting through to the reader. In any case, good work. I am interested to see if this changes anything. ~ Geezer
Thanks Geezer
I've made a couple of minor tweeks to the subject...and it is tighter because of it.
I wanted to give the impression that the 'other' COULD of died...wanted a little ambiguity...grief at the end of a relationship is the same whether you've just moved on or if there is a death.
BTW, your profile pic really creeps me out. It's fantastic but unsettling. Result.
'Betty'
I can say that...
I like it as much or even more, now. It feels even better, because now I am left to speculate wether or not you wanted to KILL him! But I have my Killer instinct telling me that you did. I paint with black-light poster paints and took a photo this one because I have the termity to paint with and on materials that are liable to be erased or easily damaged and this is one of my favorites. I also do engravings on mirrors, but not many of them have survived and in any case, have given or sold the ones that have, away. I have more of these paintings but have yet to take photos of them to post, but I will as soon as I can get my @#%*ing computer to recognise my camera chip again. You are right. Results! Thanks, ~ Gee
hey
have you recently been divorced?
or you kicked him somewhere hard
either way ‘tis sad
tc friend
your anger is your enemy..
even though
I liked the way you kicked me
calling a guy weird
on first meeting unknown
I normally don’t gulp
but you are so different ...
I liked your sullen rebuff
Come again kick harder next time
don't take it lying down
men only growl,
like lions
but when sex comes around
they make no bones
no sound
lions they
Not divorced, recently married! LOL
Welcome to the weird world...anger is my friend...It helps me write.
'Betty'
anger is half madness
i wrote a poem recently
posted here
may be shall lead you to it
and
I like the way you kick ...
hope your marriage lasts !
Dear Ells
I am way late to this party I love all the suggestions I even went through the revision great use of alliteration ... well done
Brava
love JC xxx
What Geezer said.
Late to the party with nothing new or helpful to say.
I loved this (even though it didn't rhyme). The use of alliteration was superb. The content moving and mildly paradoxical (am I boring you? Have you heard all of this?).
Never use an ampersand (or any other logogram) unless it serves a very specific purpose. I won't even use actual numbers in my poetry. I did in the beginning of "Comrade in My Arms", but only because the number '44 "looked" like WWll. Otherwise, I am writing poetry in English and will use English words.
The poem rocks.
Better late than...