Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

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manifesto 2

manifest is as a hologram of
frozen time

a potentiality
containing every possible outcome
of every possible circumstance

we wander the fragments
walk through emotion

and every thought
every choice
leads us
,

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many

Comments

Hi Judy

Leads us to what I might ask? Differing convolutions through our bewildering realities he he. Is this on the nature of the chaos theory. The unbreakable/immutable law that the course of our lives is already written no matter how we may conceive it free will is an illusion. Something of an equation long ago designed by god knows what and for why. Remember what Douglas Adams said: "If anyone ever was to discover what the universe is and why it is the way it is it would spontaneously vanish and be replaced by something even more inexplicable. Some say this has already happened" of course I paraphrase him and not too well. The only feeling I have reading this poem is that it ends so abruptly, like a carcrash, but then I suppose thats its power. It rereading it thats its strength. It also in this case arrests the reader, forcing them to go back to it. I don't think I'd change anything.

Is there a Manifesto 1?

John

well i missed the mark with you at least

definitely not chaos theory
definitely meant to be free will (with a catch lol)

i've edited, is it any clearer to you?

and lol yes - i always think of the Buddhist monk who whispered to his fellow meditator - 'you know this all eventually goes away'

thanks john
love judy
xxx

Hi Judy

You've changed the ending. Don't hate me but I liked it better the first time that may be garbled in my above comments. I had to reread the first draft to see it. It was immediate, had a powerful ending I thought. I still need abit more clarity as to why you used the word "hologram" seems too technical/impersonal a word. I think there are problems when we redraft again and again. But I believe thats what Dylan Thomas did but then he was a genius. You forgot to say is there a "Manifesto 1"?

John

thanks john

i've changed it back (the ending) and deleted the 'we are' stanza at ross's suggestion that it is passe

how do you like it now?
thanks so much for the continued assistance and suggestions

- and there is a manifesto 1 lol
http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/manifesto-1

as for using the word hologram... it would seem that that is what some theorists actually believe the universe could be...
love judy
xxx

Hi Judy

I like it much better with this ending. It just seems to me this poem is about a determination theory. That everything is written and we have no free will to alter the events of our lives. Thats what seems to shine in the lines... "a potentiality containing every possible outcome/of every possible circumstance" it just seems to suggest an eqation that commands our actions in some sense. I may be wrong here but it got me thinking and that is what I like most.

John

I remember

so how are you / still writing too kind comments, I most probably came on to strong here, but I have been posting at the Alsop Review, where everyone's merciless. anyway here goes

manifest is as(like) a hologram of 'is as' is a bit sonically awkward
frozen time I like the idea of a hologram of time but if a hologram is moving then the 'time' involved can't be a frozen moment. although i still like the image, made me think.

a potentiality
containing every possible outcome
of every possible circumstance 'every possible' is very loaded philosophically, Wittgenstein would say its like 'absolute truth' undiscussable.

we are spirit
energy
light
love this S is too obvious however much I agree with it.

we wander the fragments
walk through emotion
led by
our every thought
every choice
to the now where they belong the last stanza is more satisfying. Although I would say we are led by our emotions and our thoughts are reactions to what we feel.
hope your well and happy
ross

hi ross

i'm very well thank you
thanks for the read and comments - i have edited with your thoughts in mind...

and (lol) there is nothing wrong with mercilessness. please do stay honest in your crits

love judy
xxx