I was minding my own business
happily driving along
joining with the radio
in a Slim Whitman song
when clear out of the blue
a white light appeared
and before I knew just what was what
everything went really weird
I found myself staring at our blue-green globe
through a large semicircular window
and surrounding me were very strange creatures
strumming guitars (I wish I'd took a photo)
and since I'm usually pretty smart
when things need to be deducted
it dawned upon me, then and there
that I had been abducted
turns out they wanted to learn more
'bout Slim's drifting with tumbleweeds
about the truth of his secret love
and his various other misdeeds
was he truly back in the saddle again
and was my real name Rose Marie
and had I heard the soundtrack to 'Mars Attacks'?
it's a sin to tell a lie, they reminded me
and what's the difference between the cattle
and the Indian love call?
the driver of the ship then spoke
'a bargain let us make' he drawled
'I'll pilot thee beyond the sunset
then take you home again Kathleen
if you will show us how to yodel
for when Slim does, our fans all scream'
and the moral of this story is
don’t drive and sing with Slim
if you want to avoid these aliens
that seem to really like him
and just call me lonesome but
I’m casting my lasso to the sky
for I’ve become a lonely wanderer
reminiscing, since that flight, this fool such as I
I’ll be home for Christmas
.
Comments
I loved...
the humour in this one. You stuck with the theme all the way through and I like the references to the different artists. My only complaint is, that you varied the rhythm so much and so quickly that you mixed them. I love the style you chose, but you should hold to a pattern or two so that one doesn't get caught up in wondering why the poem shifted gears in it's rhythm. ~ Gee
thanks very much gee
i'll look at the meter again sometime, but it was really just for a bit of fun - to write a fun story like doc often does.... and i was more concentrating on adding the song titles than being too concerned about the rhythm - lol my bad...
although on re-read i don't mind the extra length lines...
love judy
xxx
Hi Judy
Great poem, made me chuckle anyway. For me it would have been "Lonesome Highway" by Shane MacGowan my second favourite country song, hey if it sounds country then it is country. First is "Lost Highway" or "Angel of Death" by Hank Williams. Strange aliens digging country, wonder what their native catterwawling is like. Only one small correction in the line "the driver of the ship" isn't that the pilot. Otherwise I liked it. ThanX for sharing.
John
thanks john
glad you got a chuckle from it
i originally had the 'pilot of the ship' - but then i repeated 'pilot' in the next stanza as part of one of the song titles - so changed it...
not sure if i want to change it back and repeat the word
lol - as the narrator is a pretty dumbass female perhaps she doesn't know the correct name for the driver of a ship :(
love judy
xxx
Hi Judy
No I agree its wrong to have the same line or word repeated so close in the poem. But I still think "driver of the ship" so wrong. Maybe dig out your thesaurus on that one.
John
lol
ok - you win
xxx
Hi Judy
Just my small opinion hope you don't mind. I know that doesn't help much. Just needs tweaking thats all.
John
one word
can spoil a poem john
your crit was more than helpful
love judy
xxx
Is this for a worshop?
Doesn't matter really.
Cool poem.
Here are some of my thoughts. Trivial first... I'd go with "Driver" because that's what we call the guy with the reins on a cart or stagecoach.
As to the meter, I would condemn you of writing more a "Lonnie" as opposed to "Doc". The meter slips and slides all over the place, but like Lonnie's (for the most part) it feels just fine. There are several lines that simply don't work. Either too long or a misplaced stress.
I don't think I would call this storytelling even though all of the requisite parts are present. I would likely reserve that moniker for something with more depth.
As light poetry though, it kicks alien butt. With my health problems of late I don't smile or laugh very much. This gave a giggle.
Thanks.
wesley
thanks wes
for the read and comments
no, it's not for a workshop - i was just letting off a bit of steam from the structure workshop lol
and i'm glad you like 'driver' - 'helmsman' didn't feel right to my tongue - i'm going to change it back, with apologies to john
love judy
xxx
Hi Judy
Its your poem so long as it feels right to you thats whats important. Stay true to your poetic voice,
John