The crispness
in each breath I own
announces this time of year;
I exhale
and it seems the leaves all turn.
All possibilities
of spring
pull the leaves to the ground,
then chance
comes into play where each will land.
In the end
the earth is nourished
and time must continue,
thus we are blessed
with harvest's yield for that year;
surrounded by pleasures
we'll find ourselves hovering nearer the hearth,
bundling-up to erase solstice's chill.
Then the warmth
and light of our existence
reminds our truest hearts to continue dreaming,
have faith,
and not waste energy trying to keep regrets alive;
for those sorrows
are turning as did the leaves,
soon they'll merely be mulch beneath our feet;
Reducing them
until they are but shadows in the wind.
Comments
Doc
The Fall is always memorable and gives us the thoughts of looking out day after day to see the rebirth..
We cannot hurry nature, but our own rebirth should it be needed, can sometimes take longer than the time you have covered in this piece.
Though I feel that you hurried this piece and it with the words you have used, could make a great work, of poetry or prose, in true form or free verse, Yours Ian.T
Any insights....
...are greatly appreciated, Sir Ian! I absolutely cannot decipher between what is poor, good OR memorable freeform at all! (Much to my dismay.)
Didn't mean to rush this, didn't know I did. See what I mean?
I digress,
thanx, again;
doc.
You know, Ian....
...after having slept on it, I've revisited our exchange from last night; and although I'm not 100% convinced that I hurried the piece....I am, however 100% positive that I hadn't given the poem's length any consideration...at all!
I was so focused on what I was saying, (and to be quite frank with you)....trying to convey this feeling of urgency I feel when I'm running out of time that, I hadn't given it's brevity/longevity...(or the effect it could possibly have on the reader); not one consideration, either way...whatsoever!
So, you're correct to bring up such an effective tool as it is, however it was a complete oversight, for me....and I'm not sure now...exactly what, I'm going to do about it!
Truly Ian,
thanks for the great feedback;
doc.
my opinion
i think this poem is exactly the right length
any more and it would become preachy
any less and it wouldn't say it all
i do have to disagree with ian (each to their own poison though)
- i don't think you hurried this in any way doc... you said it succinctly (something a lot of poets have a problem with) and imo it is excellently written free verse
and i just reread those last two stanzas and they still make me take a breath
love judy
xxx
beautiful doc, and the last
beautiful doc, and the last stanzas are something I will remember and want to come back to, so for me they are most mindful and memorable
a couple of little things
‘All of the possibilities of springtime’ – I’d drop the first ‘of’, and
‘pull the leaves down to the ground’ – I’d drop the ‘down’
wonderful phraseology, great word usage, beautiful to read out loud
and, again, I so love the last two stanzas, they brought a lump to my throat
‘and through the warmth, and light of our existence
our truest hearts are reminded to continue dreaming,
to have faith, and to not waste energy trying to keep regrets alive.
For those sorrows are turning as did the leaves,
and soon will be as mulch beneath our feet.
Reducing them until they are but shadows in the wind.’
thank you
love judy
xxx
Wow, Judy....
...how extremely courageous of you to say! (I just admitted I didn't know what I was doing!) Lol. I think sometimes, when I'm REALLY feeling what I'm saying, and it's a feeling that's shared, I kind of get lucky...and I am allowed briefly to visit that attainable, yet ever elusive, "next level" where; it just seems to ever-so-sweetly fall together through serendipidous, lyrical chance! I'm not sure.
I thank-you for helping me try and see where I could maybe do it, again....if I were as eloquently consistent as you! I DID make the changes you mentioned, and you're absolutely right. It even felt better reading it aloud, to me! Thanx again, Lady Judy!
I truly do appreciate your voice;
doc.
'they' say
that free verse needs to be succinct - on a reread of this doc, i think there are a few more words in your write (imo) that are superfluous.
i have highlighted them in brackets.
just a suggestion – you are just as free to keep them if you think the emphasis is needed
The crispness in each breath of mine
announces the time of year.
I exhale, and it seems (that) the leaves all turn.
All (the) possibilities of springtime
pull (the) leaves to the ground,
and chance comes into play where each will land.
In the end, the earth is nourished,
and time must continue on,
so we are blessed (,) with the yield of the harvest for that year.
While surrounded by (our) pleasures,
we'll find ourselves hovering nearer (to) the hearth,
(and) bundling-up to erase the solstice chill;
(and) through the warmth (,) and light of our existence
our truest hearts are reminded to continue dreaming,
(to) have faith, (and) to not waste energy trying to keep regrets alive.
For those sorrows are turning as did the leaves,
and soon will be as mulch beneath our feet.
Reducing them until they are but shadows in the wind.
and
another thought re the set up or form
instead of writing in the tercet style you are used to, perhaps try a more free verse ‘form’ so to speak. for example
The crispness
in each breath of mine
announces the time of year.
I exhale
and it seems the leaves all turn....
- just another suggestion fo you to take or leave as free verse obviously can be written anywhichway lol
still love the write
judy
xxx
Ms. Judy....
...I made even more changes than you suggested. I suppose I must've fell under the spell of my most recent bout with "edit fever".
At any rate, what say M'Lady, now?
Thanx again, for your help;
truly,
doc.
great edit doc…
great edit doc…
but sometimes I think we can go too far and throw out good stuff
(the baby with the bathwater as jess says)
for example
‘seemingly causing leaves to turn’
to me is much less poetic that the way you first had it
‘it seems that the leaves all turn’
and I would look again at
‘with time continuing on’
if I were you I’d think about perhaps
‘time continues’
or what you originally had
‘time must continue’ (without the ‘on’)
also please do remove the exclamation marks after ‘turn’ and ‘feet’ – they really are not needed in poetry (lol imo of course)
love judy
xxx
Hopefully....
...repaired.
Thanx again, Judy;
doc.
awesome doc
great edit
love judy
xxx
So are you, dear Judy....
...10 - Q ;
an extremely large amount of "bunch"!
doc. #:-{)
Doc
You have transformed this piece to a beautiful Memorable write.
It was a pleasure to read and there is nothing else to say..
Yours Ian.T
It was due....
...to yours, and Judy Anns comments and remarks. ! 10 - Q.......to the BOTH of you! BOTH of you are irreplacable to me as, "catalysts of sincere poetry" , so I respect you both; and thank you for your collective "help".
Too cool,
doc.
Doc
"Judyanne did all the work"
Don't tell her I said that she is one of the great teachers here.
I only wish that I had enough time to learn as you have.
One day I can do several tasks, one for the children I know, and the other to give "think's" to some of the poets I know or will know.
I have so much to do, I need a secretary, but I must just have the one that writes for me, he is good enough..
You take care and if you ever go to print take this one with you, for the book, Yours Ian.T