For Nothing is aught else but Cold
and Nothing thrice is nothing more.
Chief requisite that aught is told
in epopee, archival lore
needst something wrought of nothing come to be.
Eternity does not begin.
Time renders never back its flow.
The Flame will have not origin.
Ablaze thru All and Aye, ergo
‘tis paradox the Will that would be Free.
Last Few Words: Alright kids, here I go. This is the little opening to "The Ana" which is posted elsewhere on NeoPoet (four parts, not TOO terribly long). If you are going to hang with me (and I fervently hope assist me in this next project of mine), I heartily suggest you read "The Ana". It is a Creation Story and begins Part Two of my larger work "ÇAÇÔ, Man of the Morning Star". "The Ana" is a four part stand alone piece that sets me up to tell the history of my world from its inception. What I propose to "get on with" in this workshop is something I've been fussing with for about three years now and have not been able to get a forward going grip on. Following "The Ana", I begin (a considerably more relaxed) poem that would tell this story. At this point (and I will hopefully post this tomorrow) I have scarcely forty lines which won't build the mountains, grow The Tree or create mankind. I do hope this works. wesley
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
I am not making excuses
but I really believe you should have lived in "The Shakespearian Era" so as to be well appreciated.
I am not saying that you are not but your language is too profound . It is something more than I can describe but I feel ((((shame)))) of what I write after reading few of your lines..
I shall read the "Ana" though as you've recommneded .
For the time being the opening lines made me feel like I'm sinking deep to the unknown.
At least that was the first Impression.
If you don't feel a little overwhelmed...
... then I failed in my intention. With the exception of looking up words you don't know (always, always look up words you don't know), don't try to kill yourself with "The Ana". Just read it. Most of it will follow you and when you are done you will be ready to help me begin my "Original" adventure. When we get to the part about Adama and Eva, you can write it for me.
The only thing I would have you take note of (and NO ONE has mentioned this yet... anywhere) is the very beginning. There is a twist there I would have you see, but I want you to find it on your own.
And thank you for the sweet words. No shame there dear. We are never better or worse, we are different and therein lies the art.
wesley
Challenging indeed
I am really honored to be directed to your work sir.
Thanks for the trust..
This is,
This is not Shakespearian, this is very much wesley snow. And may i say intriguingly good. I'm off to read The Ana. Regards Roscoe...
That excites me to think you'd give it a go.
Like everything I write, try not to analyze too much or you'll get bogged down. Just read and I would like your ongoing thoughts concerning the adventure I'm going to push forward. I should post the first little bit of Canto One today, but please, please, read "The Ana" first.
Thank you Roscoe. You were a kudo from an unlooked for source.
wesley
MARvolleious art
Snowdon thee
bard me
Thank you dear.
And yes, I'm looking into your older work, but I fear I'm quite the slug these days. istan
when u are not a slug
unplug
and then all will know twas
Istan SNOW
Wesley
A mountain may start as a Valley but this is just a part of a process your story has yet to start or did I miss it so.
To refer me to another like post is not part of this exercise, now come on shall we add a lot more to this piece so that a picture can be seen.
Tis a vacant place you have brought to my eyes, and my thoughts wandered elsewhere, Yours Ian.T
hi wes
one tiny crit in that you have used the word ‘aught’ twice and close together … did you mean to emphasise it – it doesn’t really work for me wes as it is too small a piece…
also, are you meaning to use a regular meter or is it supposed to be mixed?
an intriguing start – has me interested
especilly the concept of
'Eternity does not begin.
Time renders never back its flow.
The Flame will have not origin.'
love judy
xxx
Thanks Judy.
Good to see you here.
"Aught" simply worked in both lines and I use the word often enough I don't notice the repetition. Might have to look at it.
By mixed meter do you mean I slipped from iambic or do you mean the fifth line being pentameter? The fifth line is longer through the whole work (The Ana and into Canto One).
I hope you're feeling better. There are several submissions here waiting for your perusal.
wesley
no - i commented that i like the lengthened fifth line
but
I may be wrong, but I parse
For NOTHing is AUGHT ELSE but COLD
TIME RENDers NEVer BACK its FLOW
love juduy
xxx
Hm.
I don't think I agree with your scan. It reads iambic to me. Anyone else? wesley
I think I had to agree with
I think I had to agree with judy .
Wesley
You say it took you four drafts to make these two Stanzas.
What are you doing, do you delete and start again or what???
To rewrite four times then ask for comments is a little much.
Your epics would never be completed if you did this with all your works.
How do you go about writing, as it seems that you struggle a lot, is it the perfection that troubles you, as I can tell you these things can never be perfect.
Each of us writes in our own way, Your Cato etc: will never be completed, it is far too complex in its words and flow to be that.
Shall we sort out in a workshops what the aim is in poetry????
Is it to be read by as many as possible or to be enjoyed by many or are we all on an ego trip where what we write is the best, or what???
We have many poets or poets that want to improve their works and normal writing, do we point them in the classic way, or do we accept that they are an individual with idiosyncrasies which will always make their works unique.
I will have a word with Jonathan and see if he would at first comment on this and maybe do a workshop on these aspects, Yours Ian.T
Ian,
That is indeed my personal cross. I never wanted to write for publication or completion. I wanted to write an EPIC poem and make it THE FINEST THING "I" AM CAPABLE OF. It is how I write. I will always fuss endlessly with everything I produce because I don't want perfection.
I want something more.
wesley
Wesley
Well that's fine if there are any things that even I can help with
then I am here.
Though my help may only be on a very light vein, as you have been through the education system and probably read the classics . I can probably only help on day to day thoughts.
But I am here and you know what I write and how I write so if that is of help then feel free to ask, Yours Ian.T
That's my boy!!
"That is indeed my personal cross. I never wanted to write for publication or completion. I wanted to write an EPIC poem and make it THE FINEST THING "I" AM CAPABLE OF. It is how I write. I will always fuss endlessly with everything I produce because I don't want perfection.
I want something more.
wesley"
I loved this reply dearest Wesley. Truer words I have never heard spoken. It is so YOU. Reminded me of this song.
(Thank you for the PM my dear. I will respond.....btw, me too, the 2 L's you mentioned)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3ubLOKbx-Y
Oh baby!
I lost it when I saw you here. Are you here? wesley
Hi Wes
I am aware that you prefer using near archaic language forms. But I wonder if your poetry would connect with readers better without the inversions such as in line 7? Most inversions are not needed to retain your rhymes and if ommitted, they would gain in power when they Were rarely used.............stan
I'm sorry Stan,
what inversion? What would be the opposite? wesley