I walked today,
without the laughter,
of the children.
I felt empty and so alone,
the world may have ended
Please tell me I am wrong,
I cannot see!
There seems to be an empty space
in front of me.
Yesterday they were here,
I heard them so
Please tell me what,
has made them go.
I cannot see
it’s hard for me
to listen to emptiness.
Just tell me
I am wrong
and it won’t be long.
Before the children return
Comments
You have fallen into an episode of "The Twilight Zone"
circa 1958.
Don't worry, it will pass.
There is still at least one child in your life, albeit a naughty one, me.
love.
Jess
Yes I think there was a programme earlier that was called the Twilight Zone Da Da Da Da Dum Dum Dum, enough to frighten the children.
This was written around a picture of a row of empty swings, just thought I would air it for a while.
We are all naughty even at my age, it is fun though and gives way to perspective, I live in a bungalow so there is no Naughty step, so I can do as I like SO there, lol Take care young Elf, Know we are thinking of you, Yours Ian.T, (Someone said in my head And Me )
i have a recollection
of a poem you wrote a while ago that used this theme - have you polished it?
i like this - it does depict a certain 'panic' that is disquietening
good write ian
love judy
xxx
Judy
Thank you, as I said to Jess it was written as a piece, around a photo of a row of empty swings, more of a challenge than reality, I tried to think what would happen if ( When Blind) on my daily walk to the park there was silence.
Not to worry all is fine, Yours Ian.T x
Judy
Your memory is much better than mine here is that other write that I edited a couple of times to see the effect, just an error of my memory:-
Empty Swings
Submitted by Ian.T on Thu, 2012-07-19 18:40
I walked without the laughter of the children
I felt empty, and so alone, the world may have ended
Please tell me I am wrong? I cannot see!
There seems to be an empty space in front of me.
Yesterday they were here, I heard them so
Please tell me what has made them go?
I cannot see it's hard for me to listen to emptiness.
Just tell me I am wrong and it won’t be long.
Before the children return.
A new look:-
I felt the silence,
My park
The clock struck four
No children laughing
I felt empty, and so alone,
Has the world ended?
Please tell me I am wrong
I cannot see!
Vast empty spaces,
in front of me.
Yesterday they were here,
I heard them so.
I cannot see
It's hard for me
Listening to something,
I am so empty.
Just tell me I am wrong
It won’t be long?
May I help?
A gentle voice said!
It’s four in the morning.
Should you be in bed???
Last few words:
A picture of a row of empty swings in a park prompted this short write, Have now rewritten and added the new piece underneath this changes everything.????? Yours Ian.T
touching write
dear Ian
Very impressive and effective especially with the repetion of
'Please tell me I'm wrong"
and the last stanza reads really sad.
As jess said that will all pass, don't worry.
Thanks for sharing.
I live near a park
it has many swings
none are ever empty ...
during day,
young gals and kids run around
during midday teens abound
till the evening....
yet at the stroke of nine
the moon when it does shine
many gals and guys one finds
entwined,
see-sawing and swinging
in happy unison
the garden is like Eden
through my windows sill
binoculars in hands still,
I feel each and every vibration
least to say the swing helps
giving all a pleasurable swing ...
so all mankind is happy....
some lay snuggled across benches
out of their free will
'tis a pleasure still...
as throughout the day
guys and gals
dribble about the strings...
Ian
I felt the loss of the childrens voices turning into a kind of grieving
I am just wandering around neopoet tonight and digging into the past when I wasnt here :)
I loved the poem it gave the desired effect and makes the reader start to panic for you
love always JC xxx
Jayne
I wrote a different version for Judy which is in the answer to her comment.
One is where a blind person has the problem of being 12 hours out, but the first was a description of a row of empty swings.
We cater for all lol.
I have been taking a lot of my work into the unpublished side as the comments were few, it saves a lot of searching when I need to edit or use.
I miss writing for people at the moment like I use to a few years back, maybe I will start again.
I think we need some incentive on Neo for poets to comment more on works and some more open subjects for us to play with a competition each month or four times a year, the workshops are fine but us old Dogs find it so hard to learn new tricks..
Take care and many thanks to you for your visit, Yours as always, Ian x