brittle light

Sep 24, 2012

Fumes Of Emptiness

I don't have much to say
worthwhile, I mean
that doesn't seem to stop
most people
or even slow them down.
but me,
I feel a need to be PROFOUND
can't quite figure it
I don't even like profundity
'cause mostly
it ain't,
is it?
more likely, just some
plain ol' jane pretentiousness
...parading in drag

maybe a lack of style
is what I actually meant to write about
but now I'm confused
so,
I'll stop here
and try to sort it out

...uh,
hmm,...
...duh,
wha,....

(this dunce in a corner bit goes on and on
for hours)

okay,
I'm back from the rack
still stuck,
but tired of tilting
at dead stumpy ends

ironically
(though certainly unintended)
I feel obliged to dub this piece
a perfectly executed flummox

so,
( if you haven't guessed by now)
I am once again
left stranded
with my standard
"what the fuck was that"
ending

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: upstate New York USA, USA

Comments

Ello BL

I believe the words are there just out of reach .... I feel another story under the surface

I rather liked where you took me it needs a little work but I like the ending as is

'cause mostly
it ain't,
is it?
I would change the exclamation mark for a question mark ... but thats just me its just a suggestion

kind regards Jc

Hi JC

glad to hear from you again!

I don't worry too much anymore about down time (reaching for words, themes, poetics etc.)
I sometimes even enjoy working on things when I have nothing going on at all.
the journey, you know!

thanks for your thoughts and suggestions

I enjoyed your last post. I'll try to get back to it soon, to officially applaud.

lol

a very enjoyable read al
i especially like
'more likely, just some
plain ol' jane pretentiousness
...parading in drag'

and i love the finish
i'd suggest you change nothing - except maybe the exclamation mark to a question mark as jc has already pointed out

love judy
xxx

hi

thanks Judy, really!

I am always flattered when you take the time to crit (not sure I like that word "crit", but it seems to be the fashion, so...why fight it)

I am still reticent to critique others works, but I'm not going to let it stress me anymore. I will get better at it or not . please bear with me

thanks again

Hello, Beau

thank you. That others enjoy some of the same aspects of writing and editing is cool to know.

the roughness is apparent to me, ( Oh!, the dilema of form)...kind of like singing about someone who sings out of tune...what do you do to make that point ...sing out of tune, or not. That IS the question.

it will remain unresolved for now...But I am not afraid to make a choice when it arises. This piece will probably stay "rough"