t. reflexion
t. reflexion
Sep 08, 2012

THE GOLD IN THE PEBBLES

On the beach gathering some stones
To decorate the front quarters
Black and white, immense and petite
All set to be carried away
In different baskets we’d brought

From the pebbles I collected
A gleaming object reflected
Rainbow colours inside the sun
Against the evening skyline
A gold coin meant money at hand

I turned the item round and again
Within the palm of my damp hand
Yellow turned into golden hue
With an edge of silver lining
When dropped in the ocean water

Gold and silver were the high points
A humble state to be enriched
I lost the gold which I had gained
The water swept it away fast

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: NGA

Favorite Poets: Inspired by an article in an old manuscript

More from this author

Comments

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 7 months ago

A very good sketch for a story that is fun, well written though needs the tiniest of edits, maybe the first line could be shortened to:-
"On the beach gathering stones" or a shorter version of your line, and your last line a change so that AND can be taken out.
There are many that don't like "and " to be used at the start of a line.
You take care out there, and ask, if there are things that you cannot get there at home, Yours Ian.T

t. reflexion

I tried to keep the meter rule, this makes some of my sentences longer. Though, I am at liberty to make adjustments, I require a level of mastery first.

I have made some adjustment on the two lines and I hope this is okay. Thank you and best wishes.

tr

S

I enjoyed both the imagery and the easy come easy go lesson.................stan