Time Passages
Time passes in dreams
A Warrior wandering
Searching for another battle
A Nomad traveling
Through the years
Foraging for sustenance
The Knight riding through the land
With hopes to find another
Fair Maiden to save
A Kingcounting his treasures
Longing for more
While he oversees his Kingdom
Ah then tell me
What are you wanting for
Fortune
Fame
Love
And we follow suit
How often do we feel
An emptiness
Or there is a missing link
Nothing changes over
Times passage
Yet we go on searching
Or grasping for that golden ring
As we go foward in time
Comments
passages
I had a few ideas but will fore go suggestions as the ideas might vary your intent in a write that is great just the way it is. good to see you again...............scribbler
okey dokey
L-2 change wanders to wandering
L-4 change travels to traveling
L-7 change rides to riding
put question mark after love
isolate "of time" in its own last line
I know these small changes will make a subtle change in perspective which is why I hesitated.............stan
Chrys
Chrys,
this is a wonderful write and you lead us right into the end with a question, which makes you stop in your tracks and think "damn, I don't know now!"
If you go with Stan's suggestions, you will need to amend the first line from 'passes' to 'passing'.
You gave 'Knight' a capital 'K'...do you think 'king' should have one too?
Thanks for sharing this, nothing really to critique - really good poem.
regards,
HS
Chrys
Dear Chrys,
you changed the ending...feels and sounds better and completed now.
regards,
HS
My answer,
to the ending of this poem is, to be the one skillfull enough. At bringing all four together searching for the same, that being the best for man and our planet. Great poem Regards Roscoe....
hi again
hi I love the title all the critique has being said above
good to read you again ,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs
Chrys, I would capitalize
Chrys, I would capitalize Warrior, King, Kingdom since you capitalized Nomad and Knight.
The ending is a bit weak, perhaps if you were to find a symbolic ground where all meet?
~A
Well done Chrys very good,
Well done Chrys very good, just one more ...the end is stronger without a repetition of the theme. How about:
Or grasping for that golden ring
just
out of reach.
...or something to that effect.
~A
Dear Chrys,
In this line: A Kingcounting his treasures. There should be a space between King and counting. A simple mistake. Otherwise I love the piece. I do get the feeling of the passage of time. And time does move quickly. My favorite lines are:
And we follow suit
How often do we feel
An emptiness
Or there is a missing link
love, Cat
All
don't know why this one came back to stream the original date was January
and who the hell is gfew and why are they posting advertisements on my work
Chrys
I have told gfew that we aint interested in their Adverts anyway they should go to Specsavers, I hope that someone has the cancel their Neopoet entry some place as this is popping up all over the place.
I have had some old ones turn up, but I edit them a bit to make them newbies LOL.
Take care, Yours Ian.T