Littleton Revision 2
Ron BlueDemon77
Littleton, killed his son
why oh why, he put out his eye
the same day, all the skies went gray
the fever came, never was the same
sun's warmth gone, as his madness spawn
crops to silt, Redbeard lived his guilt
days of dark, nights of terror stark
tiny mound, jutting out of ground
Littleton, Redbeard thick with lice
maggots, rats, sharing habitats
every night, eyes shined with red light
at the door, child's voices implore
In the nights, he can feel small bites
but the worst, are his son's outbursts
numb feet black, can't feel rat attack
footprints red, eyes windows dead
Redbeard, his mind convulsed feared
Littleton, went to see his son
open ground, no footprints around
shadow fell, floating in the hell
"I am sorry!", child nodded skull
Grittilly, son said "same with me."
"I am free, what you took from me"
"Welcome to your eternal hell"
Gee's revision
Littleton's son, Lttleton's son
His father loved to beat him
The poor kid was a bastard-childn
Born of just a whim
Pokers of fire, glowing red
Were instruments of torture
Burning flesh and salty tears
On one so immature
Red Beard Redbeard is so feard
No one knows he's haunted
His daylight hours are dreadful
His nightmares keep him taunted
He smashes doors, outside he runs
Knees jellied and gun clenched in hand
No stars or moon or daylight
A lonely Hell, is where he'll stand
Stained cloak of dun, clutched closer still
Backyard grave is guarded well
Littleton's son is buried there
In his father's private Hell
Ron's
Original
Littleton
Submitted by BlueDemon77 on Sat, 2012-08-18 06:03
Littleton by RW
Littleton's fun was to torture his son
The hearth fire roared but of heat there was none
space where old angers restore, cold, unwon
paths worn ancient scorn, past hurts redone
old man clutched his cloak of stained and worn dun
sweat poured small rivers, he could not outrun
grave in back yard guarded by Littleton
if death is pain's surcease he's just begun
pokers in fireplace, glowed red overdone
knew flesh cauterized meat spit slowly spun
until eyes grew film and life was undone
tearful and fearful all sanity shun
long red beard assures he's feared, not outdone
though daytimes are dreadfilled, his nightmares stun
waking hours haunted towers rerun
murder isn't easy when it's your son.
In a frenzy, he smashed his door to run
he found naught outside, no stars, moon, or sun
Littleton screamed kneeling clutching his gun
Hell is first lonely, each made for just one
Comments
Hi Ron
Well you surely deleted the SS here but you did so by leaving out Any rhyme pattern and the purpose of this shop is exploring use of rhyme patterns in decreasing SS, not eliminating all patterns. Or have I missed a subtle rhyme pattern?.....................stan PS we have not covered internal rhyme in this shop. That will be for next one
Ok, it was internal and I was two lines out of 16.
Looks like a rewrite is in order.
Ron
Give Ron a break, you can't control poets!
Yes, he went beyond the parameters, but it deserves to be acknowledged as a much better poem.
Hi Ron
I just read this again before realizing I'd already read and commented . I gotta get more sleep lol. THIS time I saw the internal rhyme which I ovbiously missed 1st time around. Although you DID go beyond the parameters ( and did so by using a method I'll cover in a later shop) you also cut the SS down a lot. In reading it out loud I realized that there were areas where the repetition of internal rhymes over more that 2-3 adjacent lines can also lead to a more muted type SS. If I'd not seen this poem I'd have not learned that lol. Good job.............stan
I didn't miss...
the internal rhyme scheme, and thought it quite good. The theme remains quite the same,yet there are subtle differences that make it a whole new work. Congrats on a good re-write and thanks for the kudos. ~ Gee