weirdelf
weirdelf
Aug 13, 2012
This poem is part of the workshop:

RHYME PATTERNS (part 1) let's begin

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Bye Bye Woes (Rhyme Pattern #1 SS) Rula’s re-written by weirdelf

RE-WRITE

Slam your heavy woes
for nothing merits pain
after promising day's gain
a pristine twilight shows
 

Clean the smell of hatred
with love we always grow
and profit in tomorrow
for time should not be wasted
 

Now, hurry up! come on dear
and put your hand in mine
our ways with gold will shine
with our intentions clear
 

Happiness gleans no dust
think not of the poor past
sorrows could not last
when in our future we place trust
 

ORIGINAL

Slam your heavy pains, woes
for nothing merits pain
A pristine twilight shows
a promisin' day to gain.

Clean the smell of hatred
with love we better grow
time shouldn't be 'ver wasted
profit in the morrow.

Now, hurry! come on dear
and put your hand in mine
when good intentions clear
our ways with gold will shine.

As happ'ness lingers
think not of the poor past
Don't moan, cross the fingers
sorrows can never last.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I felt the content was already a major factor in not being very SS so I just converted it to ABBA, which can further lessen SS and cleaned up, to my ear, some of the flow, without imposing a strict meter.

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Sydney, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: The Romantics

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More from this author

Comments

judyanne

my only crit jess
maybe simply
'when in our future we trust' ?

also
'after promising days gain' - 'day's' ?

well re-written, takes a little of the hallmarky away imo
abba scheme seems to be the main conjecture of lessening the sing-song it seems

love judy
xxx

Rula

Rula

12 years 8 months ago

I am late to give a comment on your great work jess. It is indeed nice though I always prefered the abab rhyme but it is not of course your fault. I really loved the last stanza , very well polished indeed :

Happiness gleans no dust
think not of the poor past
sorrows could not last
when in our future we place trust

Thanks again, Great work done for a simple halmarky work ![smiles]

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 8 months ago

A very good change to the original and has your flair for form in there.
Small point in the second Stanza the last line goes:-
"for time should not be wasted" Can you say why the FOR is there?
Is it essential to the form of the piece?? other wise nothing to fault, Yours Ian.T

Ian.T

Yep, I realised that it was for because, just thought it was extra to requirements, so assumed it was for meter or the line form..??
Yours Ian.T

Ian.T

The (for) at the beginning of that line could have been left off.
But if it is there to make a correctly balanced line as you do then its OK.
I know that For is used in place of Because as it is a synonym for because.
I thought that it just wasn't needed in that line ??
Yours Ian.T

weirdelf

My very bad. I could have done it better. Without "for" the line is more profound.

I always stressed in meter workshops that words should not be used for meter alone. I fucked up. Hey, I might be good, but I'm not perfect.

Roscoe Lane

First time in a workshop, so i hope you'll forgive any mistakes. Jess i like what you've done to this poem, only thing that keeps popping into my head is. Verse one, line one. Clean the smell of hatred, i keep wanting to put . Clear our smells of hatred. Anyway i would like to enter into your workshop programme, would that be ok . Regards Roscoe...

S

I think changging to the abba pattern did well in decreasing the SS quality..............stan

weirdelf

the poem itself shows that serious content doesn't negate SS. Remember my blog on serious limericks?

S

Yes I remember but serious limerick would be an oxymoron. Kinda like a light-hearted dirge................stan