Rula
Rula
Aug 09, 2012
This poem is part of the workshop:

RHYME PATTERNS (part 1) let's begin

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Bye Bye Woes (Rhyme Pattern #1 SS)

Slam your heavy pains, woes
for nothing merits pain
A pristine twilight shows
a promisin' day to gain.

Clean the smell of hatred
with love we better grow
time should never be wasted
profit in the morrow.

Now, hurry! come on dear
and put your hand in mine
when good intentions clear
our ways with gold will shine.

As happiness lingers
think not of the poor past
Don't moan, cross the fingers
sorrows can never last.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and

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Comments

judyanne

imo the rhythm is just out of iambic enough to take away the rhythm of singy
- but still rather hallmarky - lol see, i just discovered that sing-songy is more than just hallmarky

one thing
'let happiness lingers' isn't correct english
it should be
'let happiness linger'
it doesn't really matter if it is slightly out with 'fingers'
- but if you wanted to, i think it would be easy to change ... as for example
'while happiness lingers' or 'as happinmess lingers'

love judy
xxx

judyanne

i never said i didn't like it - just that it is hallmarky - and there is nothing wrong with hallmarky .. heaps of people make heaps of money with that style.... and some of it can be very emotive and clever

i know you write great poems.... the 'hallmarky' comment for this was not meant to insult... the comment refers more to the text of this write...

i like the changes, but even so, to me the write is still not particularly sing-songy... but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with rhythm or rhyme -

one tiny thing
'No feels of hatred' - 'no feelings of hatred' is better grammar (and doesn't mess with the rhythm imo)

love judy
xxx

Rula

Rula

12 years 8 months ago

In reply to by ephraimcrud

but as I want to learn I have to accept even harsher crit.I edited and worked with rhythm.Does it read any better for you, away from the fact that it is hallmarky as juddy call it?

Geezer

Geezer

12 years 8 months ago

that you were falling into your usual patterns of meter after the first quatrain. Try again, remember that meter makes for a lot of a SS feel. ~ Gee

S

The 3rd stanza where you used inversion to achieve rhyme was kinda SS. It's possible I was not clear enough in my instructions though. In this part of the shop I want a poem which sounds almost nursery rhyme in its effect. Doesn't have to be good poetry as that's not the goal at this stage. Of course it may well be that you, like Judy, are not able to write badly lol. I'd appreciate it ( as will others in the next stage) if you'd try to get a bit more singsong effect going here. And no I'm not angry or disappointed. To purposefully write badly can be as hard as writing well.............stan

Rula

Thanks for the effort. All I intended are short lines paying very or no attention to the meter. When we talked about what makes a sing songy piece we've mentioned the rhyme and the short lines. Nothing is mentioned about the meter. This is something of course-as I have discovered later - well known to the experts and the prof. like you and the others but not me as a biginner (I miss Wesley toooooooooooo much) . So just one favor I do really appreciate if the instructions to be a bit more specific and clear. I also feel sometimes kinda lost between the too many unnecessary comments. You know Stan I am giving this shop a lot of time though very limited these days. It is the Holy month of Ramadan and the Eid is coming so I hope I can give what it is worth it. I really want to learn.Thanks for understanding and the effort.

S

For starters it will be more accurate to not list me as an expert. It's likely that you have been writing at least as long as I have so this shop, like all I run, is almost like the blind leading the blind lol. We're all learning as we go here so don't be too hard on yourself and be assured I appreciate all the time which you and the others are willing to put in under this slave driver...................stan

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 8 months ago

The point of this exercise was to follow a rhyme pattern throughout a poem this you did.
Of course your Meter and a lot of the other correct forms are going to be out, but that you were consistent with rhyme was the first part of this workshop and that it was not sing along enough was probably due to the way you usually write..
I think our main problem here at the moment is that we are being a little picky, the next part of the workshop will probably call for correct forms of writing with rhyme so I shall wait...

No feels of hatred This line could use feeling

it's better profit in morrow. Here you could drop the it's and put
"in the morrow"

As happiness everyday lingers.... The As is extra..

This is just correcting for bits for the sake of later writes, the whole piece is spot on for the exercise in Rhyme,

Yours Ian.T

Rula

I am going to see what to do with your suggestions .Much appreciated.

weirdelf

when it was my turn to re-write it.
Rather than add to the exhaustive feedback you've received I'll just post the re-write, which I've changed to ABBA form.

judyanne

i would suggest you avoid old contractions and double negatives when you can

i;d change
'time shouldn't be 'ver wasted'
to 'time should never be wasted'

and
'As happ'ness lingers'
to 'As happiness lingers''

love judy
xxx