weirdelf

Aug 08, 2012

This poem is part of the workshop:

RHYME PATTERNS (part 1) let's begin

(Read More...)

Waking Rhyme (Rhyme Patterns Workshop) Judyanne's revision

I didn't sleep again today
but that is my usual way
I might write giddily and sway
it doesn't mean I've gone away

So I'll get up and walk around
for no purpose I can see
my general premise isn't sound
but I'll be the best that I can be

so wash and eat
is a good start
and a resounding fart
represents a stunning feat

this poem wasn't meant to mean
that godliness is always clean
so I'll will my mentor now ignore
and go back to bed and snore

Judyanne's revision

I didn't sleep again today
but that's simply my usual way
I might write giddily and sway
it doesn't mean I've gone away

So I'll get up and walk around
for no real purpose I can see
my general premise isn't sound
but I'll be the best that I can be

so wash my face and hands and eat
a good idea and a good start
and, too, a loud resounding fart
would represent a stunning feat

this poem wasn't meant to mean
that godliness is always clean
I will, my mentor, now ignore
and head off back to bed to snore

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Sydney, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: The Romantics

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Jess

I think that you have used the various types of rhyme to their fullest here.
One thing I think should be said is that this first piece was not to be for perfection in any way, I am finding that the comments are about the meter and various other aspects of poetry.
I understood from the instruction that we were just to write a rhyme using a sing song nursery rhyme type of piece.
Yours Fits the bill but is a little jumpy where you have put in correct form of meter etc:..
Then we have all the other comments on one thing and another from those that know about correct form , I say to those just wait for the rest of the workshop and see how we progress to correctness,
Yours Ian.T

yep,

ta mate

I thought

Stan said we shouldn't post yet or should we?
and are we supposed to write each stanza with a different rhyme scheme?

You're doing things too fast guys , or am I too slow?

I was bad, posted too soon.

But I think my poem can be viewed in relation to the current discussion. I've tried to make the forms clear, although it's not as singsongy as it was supposed to be. I find that hard. And you know what? It is a lacking in my skill.
Ephraim Crud can teach us much here, how to be lyrical without being shallow.

Hi Jess

Nice to show how so mant patterns can be written in SS manner and to also include a bit of humor.............stan

not so much ss to me jess

the break in meter stops the real 'nursery-rhyme feel'

for example - to me it would fall even more if it read as

I didn't sleep again today
but that's simply my usual way
I might write giddily and sway
it doesn't mean I've gone away

So I'll get up and walk around
for no real purpose I can see
my general premise isn't sound
but I'll be the best that I can be

so wash my face and hands and eat
a good idea and a good start
and, too, a loud resounding fart
would represent a stunning feat

this poem wasn't meant to mean
that godliness is always clean
I will, my mentor, now ignore
and head off back to bed to snore

but even then the word choice removes a lot of the ss
just me

but of the verses as you have them, i think the least singy is
'so wash and eat
is a good start
and a resounding fart
represents a stunning feat'

and the most
'this poem wasn't meant to mean
that godliness is always clean
so I'll will my mentor now ignore
and go back to bed and snore'

love judy
xxx

if i compose too will it be intrusion for you

AAAA
ABAB
ABBA
AABB

like....................love
..........................dove
..........................cove
..........................above

okay next....... kiss
..........................dish
..........................piss
..........................fish

and so on...

if acceptable....
some one may fill in the blanks for me..