Strictly against all existing odds
a farmer was having a bad day,
for out of every farm in the county
onto his farm Leo the lion found his way.!
Well, the farmer was very much startled
his mule, dumbstruck was even paler with shock!
The only other farm animal who saw him
was struttng proudly, and was ol' Colonel cock.
His rooster seemed quite impressed with the cat
but, not so much was the farmer's, work mule;
in fact, he quit working, as scared as he was
and ran and hid, like a big, donkey fool!
The head of the hen house proudly ruffled his feathers
and positioned his head way up high,
he then let out a, "cock-a-doodle-doo"!
That echoed loudly throughout the sky.
Well, the lion didn't care much for the Colonel's noise
so, he let out a tumultuous roar;
apparently, he did not like the frequency of this ol' bird
nor did he wish to stick around to hear, more!
Then, the dumb-ass in all of this ruckus
with a brain that was so brightly, "dim";
stood watching as the lion exited the farm
mistakenly thinking, that Leo was afraid of him!
Well, Dumbstruck then proceeded to chase the cat away!
feeling proud that for a work mule, he was brave;
but, when the mule finally caught up with Leo
the pissed-off lion showed him quick! To his grave!
Well, the farmer wasn't at all thrilled with this mayhem
having no working mule, Plus, an empty stall;
he decided that the only moral, could possibly be:
"False pride always goes before a fall"!
Comments
ok
but i really think you could make something more of this doc
perhaps call the animals names - and make the ass falzpride or something like that
it just seems a little short of that zip your stories usually have
the meter too is rather uneven, causes me to lose the flow of the story a little
- lol and all those exclamation marks - lol why do you always insist on them :)
a couple of typos
'His rooster seemed quite impressed with the ca' … (nissing the ‘t’)
'in fact, he quit working s scared as he was' … (an extra ‘s’ there)
one other tiny thing - i got confused there for a bit with the interchange of ass and mule - thought there were two of them...
might sound like i didn't enjoy the poem - i did really
just feel that you could work a little more on it
love judy xxx
I DID, however....
...specify that it was a "rough draft". Do you know that, back in the day; a rough draft meant to me, anyway; that the keg's spicket was acting up, again. Lol.
I DO seriously appreciate both of your individually invaluable pieces of feedback; when you're right, you're right.
Thanx, again;
doc.
Judy, is this....
...edit, any better? Then, is it a story poem, now?
doc.
Judy says,
Judy says it better than i could, but i'll say this could be a classic with a little bit of work. The humour is there along with a good moral story. Good but could be great. Regards Roscoe...
As sad as it is....
...the way things have been going for me lately, I'm actually ahead of the "game" by settling for Good, rather than Great. I'm serious, Roscoe; it could be raining free-range "pussy" out, and I'd inevitably get hit in the face with a "dick"! That's my luck, of late. In fact, if l told you any more, l'm sure l'd have to kill you.
Thanx, for your help, and encouragement;
doc.
Is this....
...edit, any better? Then, is it a story poem, now?
doc.