judyanne

Jun 04, 2012

This poem is part of the workshop:

Rhyme Crimes

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Description: This workshop’s goals are three fold.

The first will be to expose the participant to the wide array of rhyme types available to the poet beyond that known as “proper rhyme” (which will be described fully in the workshop’s first essay). Each day of the first two weeks I will introduce and describe one of the more esoteric rhyme types for discussion in preparation for part three.

The second will be to explain (and enforce within the confines of the workshop) the technical parameters involved with common rhyme. For the purposes of our exercise this most widely used of rhyme types will be referred to as “proper” though its names in English are manifold including, but not limited to: “authentic”, “classic”, “traditional”, “perfect” and more. Being the most used of all rhyme forms it is of course also the most abused and this workshop will attempt to clarify what makes a proper rhyme and what does not.

The third will be to construct a minimum of three short poems. The first poem will correctly utilize proper rhyme. The other two poems will employ two of the other rhyme types discussed in part one. To assure the participant is fully immersed in the challenge, the third rhyme type will be chosen for the poet by the workshop’s leader (that would be me).
An optional challenge (which would relieve the poet from producing multiple poems) will allow the poet to write a single poem using three types of rhyme within one piece. Although this sounds quite difficult (even revolutionary), it is quite common in the poetry of Pope, Dunne, Dryden, Shakespeare and Byron to name but a few.

Please remember to put Rhyme Crimes Workshop in the title when you post your submissions because they appear on the Stream, so that people critiquing can know the context of the poem.

Leader: Wesley Snow
Moderator(s): Stan Holliday/Judyanne

Objectives: The final objective is to leave the poet with a better understanding of the mechanics of rhyme, including the depth of variation in rhyme schemes and thereby be able to recognize when the “rules” are being broken and how an informed bending or breaking of these rules can add or detract from the poet’s work.

Level of expertise: Olympic Pool

Subject matter: Rhyme

This workshop is closed.

Poet's Choice (exercise 2 rhyme crimes workshop)

A hollow, with pond and a weeping willow
I chanced upon yesterday, as I strayed
from the main train of life with its air of despair
while seeking an ease, an escape, some peace

Amphibian sat on a log, whereat
he croaked a joke I did not comprehend
He blew up his throat and he chortled in thought
as he sought acclamation and ovation due

Kookaburras giggled and earthworms wriggled
in response to the strange words they heard
and magpies cried that all toads lied
and to petition perdition, were on the right road

Descartes departs while I hear my heart
Imagination strong, with the animals’ song
my soul paraphrases the jist of discussion
but discerns only part of the whole

A disaster of laughter and zeal as
in appeal to decipher vocabulary
dialogue with a frog will ultimately end
with a bent that will alter my chosen reality
.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many

Comments

I applaud

Where to start?

To be honest I thought I am reviewing science lessons to my daughter LOL..Kidding..
I really enjoyed your rebellious state of mind, that trip that brought you and me as a reader accidently to that secret like or magic like place.

Now why I liked this piece? Always for not a few reasons, most important

1. You've set the scene really well in the first stanza and set my mood just perfectly.
2. you've chosen a variety of vivid voc.and a lot of imagination which created wonderful scenes all through.

I wished to have a more clear ending but I am sure it is only me .May be a hint from your side would help

Really really enjoyed

thanks rula

for the very kind commments

lol - the ending...
my fingers just wanted to keep on with the story - it just fell out
and i had to force myself away from it to think of a conclusion
so that is possibly why it is a bit weak -

love judy
xxxx

Hi Judy

To carry internal rhymes all the way through a poem is tough isn't it?
Just one question, where is rhyme in s-2,l-3;s-3,l-2 ;s-4,l-3 and 4;s-5,l-2 and 4?
If they're near rhymes they're not near enough for my old eyes to spot them lol..............stan

actually, I didn’t have that

actually, I didn’t have that much trouble with this one stan

and lol – I’m sure there doesn’t have to be rhyme in every line to make a poem

but, as for your crits – can I say that it is difficult to follow your comments when you use such as 's-2,l-3;s-3,l-2 ;s-4,l-3 and 4;s-5,l-2 and 4'
truly it makes me not want to bother
I think it takes less time to cut and paste the lines you are talking about, and it certainly easier for the poet to decipher to where you are referring.

anyway, there are a few rhyme types here i think, am pretty sure
love judy
xx

ok – I’ve done some of the work you are supposed to stan

imo lol

s2, line 3
‘He blew up his throat and he chortled in thought
as he sought acclamation and ovation due’
‘chortled / thought’
as well as 'acclamation / ovation'
‘blew’ with ‘due’ on the next line

s3, line 2
‘Kookaburras giggled and earthworms wriggled
in response to the strange words they heard’
cross rhyme with ‘earth’ (as in worms of the previous line) / heard’

s4, lines 3 and 4
my soul paraphrases the jist of discussion
but discerns only part of the whole
'soul /whole’, ‘discussion / discerns'

s5
‘A disaster of laughter and zeal as
in appeal to decipher vocabulary
dialogue with a frog will ultimately end
with a bent that will alter my chosen reality’
disaster / laughter
zeal / appeal
dialogue / frog
vocabulary / ultimately / reality
end / bent

lol - now, you go and find out what these rhymes are called
xxx

hi

It is/was my understanding that what was required was that the rhymes be contained in the same line. Oh well back to the study lol.............stan

rotflmao

scribbles - you might be right
it was my understanding that we were to use a variety of rhymes, and avoid as much as possible the use of perfect end rhymes

well, let's both go back and re-read the instructions
xxxx

Children, play nice.

Stan is right on this one. Interior rhyme is generally contained within the line.

In Stan's defense once again, I'm not certain I hear a compatible rhyme between

chortled/thought

In Judy's defense, not every line need rhyme (but it's more fun when they do).

These are seriously imaginative rhymes Judy, but I would expect nothing less from you.

wesley

thanks wesley

to my ear 'thought' and 'chort' rhyme, therefore 'thought and 'chortled' to my mind are apocopated rhyme...

and as i said to stan - i wasn't aware that you wanted all interior rhyme - i thought you just wanted us to steer clear of end rhyme.....

love judy
xxx

This actually brings up an odd thought.

Personally, I despise the use of the "r" sound that is supposed to be so central to the English language. When you tell me that you have to go "warsh" your clothes I cringe. To my ear it makes the speaker sound like an uneducated buffoon, but it is a wide spread and (by many educated people) proper manner of pronunciation.
Therefore, some will hear "thourght" and come that much closer to a rhyme with "chort-led", but I think it's hideous.

In my epic (over 10,000 rhyming couplets now) you will never (NEVER) find me using that sick sound in any of my rhymes, but English writers the world over for centuries consider that sound to be not only acceptable, but preferable and an indication of a well read, well spoken individual.
This is not a dialect problem. Stan speaks differently than most of us because where he lives where they say "y'all". Dialects are mind numbingly numerous and broad in their range. The "r" is not. It is a supposedly well heeled manner of speech (that happens to make me want to hurl).

Since the subject is rhyme and thereby pronunciation a critical aspect of it, what though...r...ts does anyone have on this virus of the English language? How much effect does it have on our misunderstanding one another or is it in fact a rather trivial subject?

wesley

not really with you here wes

how do you pronounce 'thought' ?
i, and everyone around me, pronounce it 'thort'
and my dictionary defines the pronunciation as 'thawt', which to my ear is the same....

and i am amazed at your calling it a 'sick sound' :)
and btw - i never say 'warsh' :)
xxx

out of interest

i looked up the dictionary pronunciation of 'chortle'
'chawr-tl' - and, to my ear, 'chawrt' still rhymes with ''thawt',
:) xxx

Exactly.

I don't like the sound and very few use it in California. I almost never hear someone say "warsh" as opposed to "wash". I think we would all be surprised if we lined up on separates sides of the room by how we pronounce "thought". I pronounce it "that" with a soft "A". No "R" involved and no one around me would use the "r". Not out of distaste or preference, but merely practice.
And yes, forgive me, but I don't like the sound at all.
wesley

still confused

if you are talking about that terrible 'arrr' sound that is specific to american speech then i agree with you
but we aussies don't use that harshness either
'thort' not 'thart' ??

this dialogue is really weird

I have never heard Americans pronounce 'thought' as 'that' on TV, it's 'thawt' in English, Australian and, to my ear, American. Bizarre.
cat, sat, hat, mat, thought?
I don't think so
bought, caught, rort, resort, thought
I reckon.
Also referring back to an earlier discussion, the first set of vowels are actually shorter, faster paced, than the longer vowels of the second set.

Love the poem, Judyanne, great language sound use.

thanks jess

for the support and the very kind comment
love judy
xxx

you're welcome

ps did you notice that
bought, caught, rort, resort, thought
contains the seed of a poem? I might just follow it up soon but right now am in heaps of pain with, I suspect, pleurisy. More tests at the docs tomorrow.

oh dear

sorry to hear that jess
keep well, keep warm - it's a wonder half of us children of the sun aren't dead considering the cold weather we are having...

thinking of you
love judy
xxx

Coming back to this Judy,

it has a kind of genius, it is immensely clever in rhyme and content. Great kudos.

But I wonder if you think enough of it to re-write it into a more... to give it more... gestalt?

as a matter of fact jess

this write just spilled out when I read the workshop exercise… I just wanted to keep writing and had to force a finish so to speak, as it was getting a little too long for the purpose of the shop …. I really haven’t been happy with it…. but as my train of thought wasn’t allowed to finish, I didn’t really get to know where I was going with it (lol if that makes sense to you)

great suggestion – thank you, I’ll take it

love judy
xxx