scribbler

Jun 04, 2012

This poem is part of the workshop:

Rhyme Crimes

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Description: This workshop’s goals are three fold.

The first will be to expose the participant to the wide array of rhyme types available to the poet beyond that known as “proper rhyme” (which will be described fully in the workshop’s first essay). Each day of the first two weeks I will introduce and describe one of the more esoteric rhyme types for discussion in preparation for part three.

The second will be to explain (and enforce within the confines of the workshop) the technical parameters involved with common rhyme. For the purposes of our exercise this most widely used of rhyme types will be referred to as “proper” though its names in English are manifold including, but not limited to: “authentic”, “classic”, “traditional”, “perfect” and more. Being the most used of all rhyme forms it is of course also the most abused and this workshop will attempt to clarify what makes a proper rhyme and what does not.

The third will be to construct a minimum of three short poems. The first poem will correctly utilize proper rhyme. The other two poems will employ two of the other rhyme types discussed in part one. To assure the participant is fully immersed in the challenge, the third rhyme type will be chosen for the poet by the workshop’s leader (that would be me).
An optional challenge (which would relieve the poet from producing multiple poems) will allow the poet to write a single poem using three types of rhyme within one piece. Although this sounds quite difficult (even revolutionary), it is quite common in the poetry of Pope, Dunne, Dryden, Shakespeare and Byron to name but a few.

Please remember to put Rhyme Crimes Workshop in the title when you post your submissions because they appear on the Stream, so that people critiquing can know the context of the poem.

Leader: Wesley Snow
Moderator(s): Stan Holliday/Judyanne

Objectives: The final objective is to leave the poet with a better understanding of the mechanics of rhyme, including the depth of variation in rhyme schemes and thereby be able to recognize when the “rules” are being broken and how an informed bending or breaking of these rules can add or detract from the poet’s work.

Level of expertise: Olympic Pool

Subject matter: Rhyme

This workshop is closed.

WHERE THE HEART IS (rhyme crimes shop)

After many years of roamin'
coast to coast and deepest south
this is the land I make my home in
at the Twelve Mile river's mouth

In sight of eastern great divide
where highest ridges look near blue
here in the foothills I reside
and shall until my days are through

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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Comments

hi stan

a lovely gentle write, makes me feel a little homesick for my childhood view - lol though not mountains though - what are they? just because of the peaceful feeling that it brought me.... and my mind wandered to the sights i appreciate

firstly just a little about the rhythm - lol surprise, surprise

'coast to coast and the deep south' - 'and the' pulls the rhythm up... what about 'and through' - the word takes longer to say - has a heavier stress that is needed there
'coast to coast and through deep south'
does this make a difference to your ear, or is it just me?

also for rhythm
'where highest ridges appear blue' to my ear is missing a syllable - needs to be made anapaest or iambic
eg
'where highest ridges appear red-blue '
or
'with highest ridges painted blue '

another tiny picky - but only for workshop purpose/ interest, i'm truly not downing your enterprise/initiative with the unorthodox line...
but did you see my note on the workshop re one interpretation of true rhyme?
'A rhyme is not classified as a rhyme if one of the words being rhymed is the entirety of the other word (for example, ball and all).'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhyming#Perfect_rhymes

i wonder if your 'roamin' and 'home in' - to my ear the emphasis is on both 'home' and 'in' - would be disqualified by the orthodox rhymers
also
if using two syllables - 'roam-in' / 'home-in', then you are using the same consonant ( 'm' ) therefore it's not 'perfect' rhyme....

lol - just taking it to the limit....
then again - you could use 'roving'
love judy
xxx

Hi Judy

I'll give the rhythm problems a bit of thought. This was written in haste mainly to show an unorthodox type of true rhyme (at least true to the ear) . " If the correspondence of rhyming SOUNDS is exact it is called perfect rhyme". I put the emphasis on sounds but other than that this is a definition taken straight out of the definition section of The Norton Anthology Of Poetry (4th edition). Just shows that even the "experts" can disagree on some things. So I reckon I'll use my ear as it's more reliable than my memory lol..............stan

So home felt

It almost seems as though I've read this on a home or office plaque. Sweet and simple. Perfect.
Tommi

I'm going to have to side with Stan on this one Judy.

I make the mistake sometime of oversimplifying my explanations (Jess yells at me for talking too much) and in doing so I will denote the "preceding" consonantal sound before our like vowel/consonant sound as a consonant itself.
In all rhyme (excluding some of the really esoteric monsters that are used more as puzzle work or toys) it is the "sound" that we focus on. This is why "identicals" can work as a tool of irony, giving multiple meanings to the exact same sound due to its spelling.

Rhyme is Sound.

Describing a "proper" rhyme, we require an unlike consonant "sound" to come before our like sounding vowels and consonants. Often to describe this we must use the word consonant. This is semantics which I feel is critically important and you're not changing my mind on that. We must communicate and I want handy words to do it with.
But the bottom line is sound.
Stan, I mentioned this before, so I still don't get where you think your rhymes are so unorthodox as to start a debate. They are terminally imaginative, but not "anywhere near left field".

And Judy, the mountains he has chosen to remain in are Blue Ridged and I think red won't work, but I tend to agree with your meter suggestions otherwise.
However, his assignment was rhyme and that was well done.
Keep picking on him about the meter thing. He and I have been flying this kite for a while.
wesley

lol wes

i was being 'picky' as i said to stan
the orthodox rhyme critique would say it isn't true rhyme

i was just attempting to show that even what we call 'proper' rhyme is divided into subgroups by the theorists
- before we even get to the other rhyme types
xxx

Hi Wes

I guess I just consider thing I have not personally seen too often unorthodox. Parochial thinking I admit. But being exposed to different things(NOT THOSE THINGS!! LOL) is what these shops are all about..........stan PS just did a little edit that might help the meter

Wesley,

when you can get away with writing a Masters Thesis on the relationships between film and poetry in 5000 words and passing with Honors, then you can complain about me yelling at you for talking too much.

I believe in using the minimum words to say what is necessary.

Which brings me to Stan's poem. It does that nicely. And with nice rhyme, though I would hardly say unorthodox, allowing for colloquialism.

Judy's comments on meter were spot on.

hi

Who would ever have thought long winded me would be able to be referred to as a minimalist lol. I just did a tiny edit that might help the meter a bit. But I don't want meter to be perfect.............it would give too many folks here a heart attck lmao...............stan