A Ritual Endeavor

Breathtaking imagery! You have a brilliant and lovely mind. I would be ecstatic if someone wrote something like this for me. I wonder who was your inspiration? My favorite lines are:

Aphrodisiac of
redolence
mid ache of pointed pleasure

always, Cat

Absolutely brilliant beginning.... there's a few turns I'd take and a few I wouldn't and some I'd weave together.. the internal rhyme, it's all about the internal rhyme!

Please forgo the ending though. Or *yet to be*, forever found..

~A

I like the ending and I wouldn't change it unless you want to do it. Actually, I really like the entire poem. Very lovely work.

I've never been certain that single lines work at the start of a poem, your lines are strong but I still hesitate to say I am a fan of it, though there is nothing to say you cannot do it..I tend to read them as statements which disrupt the flow of the rest..it's me lol..the images and poetic metaphor in this is strong..the first line is a little wordy with the plural 'brushes edges' and that may be why i tripped over the first two lines being alone. The rest I loved.

This is how I'd rewrite it if I had it to rewrite (sigh!)

Your vapor brushes edges
my prism scatters time (oh this line!)
presumptuous circles
'round this sultry
sleight of hand.

Your song
a silent symphony
too raw to mend my tears
as it wedges through my essence;
floats half hung with muffled jeers.

Aphrodisiac of
redolence
mid ache of pointed pleasure
your release -

implicit servitude;
a wealth of weight and measure.
On the edge,
a new adventure -
adrenaline courses my veins

and paints soft coats of colors
'cross your girth of gilded chains.
Tooled and punctured
leather bindings
gently link mortal disguise

enlightened by hope

seals forged
with bask and rise,
savored time to blend as one
a ritual endeavor
in the cunning dreams of
"yet to be"

forever our bind.

(some thoughts for your capture or release)

Ok.

And I did.

~A

Oddly, considering the effluence of raves this poem engendered, I don't much care for it. I would be the last person to tell a poet to "write down" that his audience may understand (take my vocabulary use in the big poem), but to grasp this one took a lot of work on my side. I'm not too bright, so for God's sake (and mine) don't change how you write because a poem went over my head.
Kailashana was ever so right though when pointing out the excellent use of rhyme throughout and I also agree with the author (trying to get back in your good graces) concerning the opening. The two lines worked marvelously. I simply didn't like "the feel" of the poem. Be assured I detest telling someone that without being able to offer something concrete as to why (especially since I seem able to produce so many good reasons explaining why I liked something).
And because I was long ago gifted with the name (not affectionately) Grammar Cop I must say I think you're using "redolent" incorrectly. It is a supportive adjective and is commonly used to describe something being "redolent" of something. You are using it in reverse. Perhaps you intended that for some reason I can't discern?
You are still my favorite new poet.
Forgive me.
wesley

This demonstrates to me what happens when I read a poem again. It was still tough for me (that dumb as a rock thing I suffer from), but...it's a wedding ceremony isn't it? Maybe not, but that's what hit me across the head when I read it this time.
Just biding time until I hear from you. Sort of forlornly twiddling through your poetry.
wesley

much has already been said about this poem which takes twists and turns like a meandering river..you have an innovative style of writing and expressing deviating from the structured form..it was refreshing to read and perceive the essence of it..thank you for sharing...

my favorite amongst many favorite lines in this write are:-

Your song

a silent symphony
too raw to mend my tears
as it wedges through my essence;

floats half hung with muffled jeers.

this poem could not permeate my being, tonight.

I can acknowledge the word-crafting, but somehow the conclusions left me suspicious.

This is very telling about feedback. I can often make my critical feedback make it seem that the poem is flawed, I have the knowledge and verbal skills. Maybe I wasn not in the mood for it.

Whatever, the important issue is that feedback is not always true, even if honest.

I trust many of the people who have given you feedback so can only see it as my failure. Yet there migth be something in it. Look for it.
cheers
Jess

If I may say, and I may be wrong, this piece seems to be a kind of conflicted love poem, it ends wit the quite pleasing note but throughout it speaks of stifling emotions. paraphrase badly we are bound together but that is my wish. Love is conflicted and so it should be reflected in poetry. Because sometimes you hate the one you love. If I had to offer any criticism for this fine poem, perhaps go through it again and try to bind it topogether a little more. Otherwise it may seem too bitty at times, like you have attempted to bind together more than one poem. I hope that is clear. I admire your poetry and glad I found this piece. I don't often comment that often these days. Thats my oppinion any way.

John

Sorry it printed my comment twice.

John

Long time. I'm on my phone, so I can't say what I want to without driving myself mad. Read this again and it found me.. yes, a vapor can brush an edge (science says so as well as art). CC didn't like the first lines. I do. Someone told me once that to succeed an opening line (or lines) must be able to be "jumped up and down on".
Love you and miss you. wesley