Fear
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by RW
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The dark woman kneels beside me
only as my eyes are closing
Her long hair tickles my nose in the night
her soft motion birthing eddies
from the shadows
she's riding on my nightmares laughing
she's got something for me now
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she's like the seeds that fall to earth
among the thorns that choke the birth
of all but dank, low-lying mist
her red eyes shining daemon kissed
what called her to my room this night
what inadvertent lack of light
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the rituals pooled in shadows held
by cobwebs purgatory yelled
the darkness rides and I can't tell
if it's a dream or if it's hell
Jun 28, 2012
Fear
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
A well crafted scary film :)
Enjoyed reading this one Ron YET all I wish is that it is only
a dream that has passed away not a real hell.Take care.
Hi Rula!
I appreciate the concern greatly. It is indeed a work of fiction. My life is good. I do watch many scary movies and read many scary books. It is decades of that I guess that make it so convincing. My life is so far from a hell. I'm actually a pretty happy guy, though part of what makes me happy in writing is scaring the heck out of people....hehe. I am an admittedly strange fellow. : )
Ron
it could be perhaps
more demon-ish
to scare the lights out of me
who dares humanity
please do read your challenge poetry to me
Idolatory
Thanks loved!
I understand your criticism and agree to a certain point.
I think in this short a form it fit with lines like :
"Her soft movements birthing eddys from the shadows"
meaning the darkness swirls around her in little spirals as she moves, it was what I intended. Just a kind of subliminal, something is ominous about the shadowy minimalism of that description. I was going for atmospheric scary (like the Japanese ghost movies like Ringu (The Ring), The Eye (actually Korean), Ju On (the Grudge), Dark Water, etc. rather than the "jump scare" tactics of most American horror films where something jumps out to startle you. I have scarier (and sicker) poetry but I'm kind of saving that for my Friday the 13th DARK SIDE CHAT. I'd love to see you there! Friday the 13th at 9 PM to 11 PM Eastern standard time.
Thanks so much for the criticism and kind words, loved! : )
Ron
hi Bd 77
I never criticize ,
only comment and remain
within the limitations of my worth ,
I know and many endorse,..
liked your explanation
yes Americans just scare ,
as school boys
do girls..
Hi loved!
You are welcomed to scan, read, comment, critique, criticize, dissect, or otherwise interact with my poetry, you have my expressed permission to do so.
There is no limitation of your worth. Nobility (which I have sought for many years) rests in gentle hands like yours. You are a good influence on me.
In an earlier version, much more overtly horror than the posted one. It's explained that the dark woman is a succubus, a female demon who seduces men. In one intense segment, she succeeds and in flagrante, she on top, she opens her huge bat-like wing and her eyes explode with flame. It was an effective scare but also is cartoony. I did want more the subtle fog-like creepy feel for here.
I did enjoy scaring schoolgirls when I was a schoolboy, now I enjoy scaring everybody, but in the method of a roller coaster. The scream is followed by a laugh.
Ron
YOU GAVE away the sea to me but I went to sleep
did not see
until now
you give such scope to me
and so to your desires
I bow ....
we must be having some commonality
of decency ...THANKS FOR UR BROAD HEARTEDNESS
MY HEART IS READY FOR DI-SECTION
BY THEE
MESSAGE ME..
'''............You are welcomed to scan, read, comment, critique, criticize, dissect, or otherwise interact with my poetry, you have my expressed permission to do so.
There is no limitation of your worth. Nobility (which I have sought for many years) rests in gentle hands like yours. You are a good influence on me................'''
Better than a prude, say I.
Better than a prude, say I.
Rule the earth, follow sky,
Scare the kiddies, scare the fish,
just don't serve up bland your dish.
~A
Thank you Anna!
I agree, I'd rather be sick than boring. Thankfully sick comes pretty natural to me. Hehe. If you have the time on the 13th at 9PM to 11PM (maybe later if folks want to) for my Dark Side Chat. I'm really looking forward to it!
Thanks again Anna!
Ron
hello Ron,
The dark woman kneels beside me
only as my eyes are closing
Her long hair tickles my nose in the night
her soft motion birthing eddies
from the shadows
she's riding on my nightmares laughing
she's got something for me now
great introduction and hook! An appetite whetter!
she's like the seeds that fall to earth
among the thorns that choke the birth
of all but dank, low-lying mist
her red eyes shining daemon kissed
what called her to my room this night
what inadvertent lack of light
vivid imagery... and the claws sink in...
the rituals pooled in shadows held
by cobwebs purgatory yelled
the darkness rides and I can't tell
if it's a dream or if it's hell
this takes me to that misty place between waking an dreaming...where anything is possible. You have captured the heart and chilling essence of the nightmare. A world of its own!
Bravo!
always, Cat (& eddy)
Thanks so much Cat (and eddy)
I greatly appreciate your very thorough and complimentary critique of Fear. I'm overjoyed that the nightmare logic and skewed physics worked for you. It was based on a dream but in which I was equally frighted and attracted. Thanks again. I'm so happy you enjoyed it.
Ron
Ron
A piece that draws the reader into your own nightmare, or maybe it is a state that may catch us all in the throws of near dreams.
I wonder if they stalk all of us as we reach out for dreams then catch us in that never never world.
I love this never, never world, it is where I can pounce and terrify the minds of anyone. Yours Draugr
Thanks Ian!
I love it too, this world where the dread is still alive and that flash I saw from the corner of my eye may have been glowing eyes. After the dread becomes the wonder. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Ron
..and so, there was that
..and so, there was that frail darkness within that shadowy view..not sure if it was real, but it surely was not a dream..hmmm..and it was a she, most definitely! hehehe..lovely..